December 24th, 2016

 

With nothin’ now better to do than watch the rain dry, might as well stop stallin’ and get to it.

“It” bein’ what I set out on this here journey for over a quarter century ago, as well as, again, one hundred and twenty-three days ago – to figure out, me, my life, what I am to be and do in it.  Figurin’ since I am flippin’ forty-seven years of the incremental measurement of the illusional thing here called time, that there is no better time than the present to do so… you know, before I get ready to go and head out into the world!

From here on out, these Journal entries are going to be all over the place, I am sure.  And I’m not saying from one entry to another, but probably even within a same entry.

As I have written before, in my youth, I used to keep handwritten journals that I wrote into… at the start, I really don’t know, frankly, just maybe for me to have someone to talk to, even if it was just me that I was doing it to, through the blank pages that I wrote upon.

More and more though, the writing became cathartic in my externally getting thoughts, feelings, ideas, etc., outside of me, physically upon the pages of the journals.  Doing so gave me like an outside perspective to it all, even though it was still me, it still somehow did, and was able to better see, process, it all a bit different, and be able to move forward and on.

A decade ago, I completely stopped writing in those handwritten journals… even though, that half finished last one, the gaps in between entries, were months, to half year, year, long in between.

Around the same time though, is when I had begun my world wide web presence of having a website for my photography, which more and more evolved into my also writing on the sites too.  And more or more, it has come to what it is like today, and pretty much my Journal on here having become like my handwritten journals of old… except now, the whole bloody world is privy to them.

To me though, the intent of me writing into the Journal, remains the same… I pretty much am not talking to you, the reader of them, with the strong intestinal fortitude to actually do so… but still, me just throwing shit outside of me, and my mind, onto the blank screen pages, externalizing it all, and seeing what I make about it all.

Like, when I go back and read some old handwritten journals, the best of them, when I am really on a good, productive roll, of the many tracks in my mind, all running simultaneously, hopping from one idea track, or train of thought, to another, it all makes sense to me afterwards, because I know me and my mind, and how it runs.

I say that all, in just following up to my above saying that, for those who actually do visit, and actually do read what it is I write, it will be all over the place, most likely, from entry to entry, or within entry, as my mind is tossin’ out any, and every, thing, and seeing what sticks.

So, with that all said and out of the way, now just gettin’ to it… yeah, gettin’ to it.

Over a quarter century ago, when my handwritten journals were in their heydays, as well as when I first embarked on this here journey o’ mine, that I never ended up finishing back then, and am now trying to complete, my day to day existence back then, was precisely what I looked to recreate now, with this hooking myself up with this Slabber existence – that of virtual solitude.  Where it was just me, day in and day out, alone, just me and my thoughts, nothing else or more.

With that now, I am finding it difficult to get into the groove of getting myself all innerly centered, focused upon it all.  Be it, the inclination to do so, as seen by my finding any and everything to distract myself and use to take up my time, so as to avoid and not have to do so.

Or, to keep myself away from the frustration of it all.  I mean, it’s not like in the past quarter century since, I have not thought about it at all ever… ha! This square one hell, and how to get out of it, has been my lot my entire time!  So, what more, or new, can I think about it all, that I already haven’t ad nauseam my entire adult life?!

I am not exploring new, unchartered territory here… in the past twenty-five years plus, there has not been a rock that has not been overturned.

The bottom line root of it all, can be boiled and summed down to just simply one thing.

Money.

The bane of my existence.  Well, and of infinite scores throughout the ages since it’s inception, when  some schmuck to seize and control some power, came up with, here, if you will do this thing for me, I will give unto you these pretty shiny pieces of varying degree of value, that you may use towards items, that I will get my fellow cohorts to go along with, to provide to you, for a certain amount of those pretty shiny pieces.  Then, I will be able to control you.  Own you.

Money, the root of all evil.  Well, right alongside religion.

And thus, the story of my life.  And I’ll be honest, mostly probably because I have never had it.  If I had been well to do, born with a silver spoon in my mouth, never having not known going without, not being able to attain anything I wanted, I might be whistling a different tune.  Because I would have had the power to do whatever it was I wanted.

Alas though, I very rarely have had it.  And because of, and because I have allowed it to, I have been a prisoner, slave, to money… just as everyone else.

And that was the impetus to my heading forth upon my journey a quarter century ago, and the very same reason I embarked yet again, one hundred and twenty-three days ago – to try to figure out, see, if there is a way for me to exist in this capitalist world, in which money revolves around (and which this country that I just happened to be born into, that just elected king capitalist pig, in every sense of both words), and of which I couldn’t have the slightest care in the world for, or to do anything for, spend one solitary moment of my life, in order to attain.  But, of course have, because I needed to survive.

That’s it though,  That’s the it and all in a nutshell.  The only reason.  Is me trying to figure out why I don’t have to do like everyone else has, who, for themselves, just accepted and decided to just do each and every day in their lives, and just be some subserviant cog in somebody else’s machine, for the privilege of being compensated, and thus be able to be a good, red-blooded consumer, livin’ the dream.

yeah.

I’m an idealist.  An idealist that has, in his mind, lived in a world of utopianism, whilst living in this one.

So, that is what lies ahead.  yippee-ki-yi-yay.  Journal entries here on out, will be me tossin’ around ideaers to that end.

For those that actually do visit my little corner of the world wide web here, and whats more, actually take the time to read whatever it is I will randomly babble and ramble about, please participate!  Share any ideas, thoughts, suggestions… all are openly welcome!

Okay, so yeah, well…

All the best to you, fellow travelers.  I hope your own personal journeys, are helping you, and taking you towards that which you would like to discover, find, and achieve.  Wishing you all the best, and fruitful travels.

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