August 28th, 2016

Hard to believe that it has only been three weeks today that I started this insanity… feels and seems longer… but, the calendar don’t lie.

So, three weeks in, what do I think of all of it all so far?  It is what it is.  I really don’t know what I am doing… went into this with no plan, other than to just go, drive, and hopefully I would figure it, and something out.  And now it is three weeks later.

One thing I have thought of occasionally, since after the first week or so, is that I wish I could go back and start this all over, do it differently.  Of course for me to do that, I would have to know now what I didn’t know then.

Like I didn’t need three fourths of the crap that I have brought with me, that I haven’t even looked at, and all is doing is taking up valuable real estate in my van/home.

Which goes to another thing – the van/home… if I would have known the basic bare essentials were all I would end up ever really needing, than I would have altogether not done the whole van thing in the first place, as originally planned.  As all it did, in acquiring it, was alone take over three-fourths of the money I had set aside to do this, which I would still now have, and be golden until at least the Spring at the earliest…  but, am instead now already scrambling to continue.

Instead, would have like, used the bus to do the long haul parts to get me to a vicinity, and then from there, hoof it and stuff.  That’s where the fluctuation of the money, I would have had if I hadn’t gone with Burgey here, is between the half year to a year estimate… depending on how much bus fare would have to pitch in on and stuff.

I think even still, I would have ended up bringing too much.  Fault for all of that lying in the fact that I keep thinking this journey is the end all… not just some temporary months, year long quest. sabbatical like thing, or whatever… where I could then just not have to bring every blessed thing I have and own, and could have only brought what I thought I need… and could have not given the rest of possessions all away, and just stored until my return, when all better and wiser, and ready to continue forth in my life with whatever I had come to.  But, no, I like just made this like this is what I am going to do for the rest of my fucking life!  That I was just going to roam the fuckin’ countryside for the rest of my days!  So, get rid of everything!  Except what it is I do now have crammed in my van… that half I don’t really need.

Deed has all been done though.  And here I am, sitting in a parking lot of a closed mall in Casper, fuckin’ Wyoming, and stuck here until I can afford to leave and continue on.

I really am a bright fella.  That is for sure.  Look at what you’ve done for yourself, Jeff.  I know I don’t care, or spend one iota of time and thought on age/time, never pay it any mind and all… but I am no longer some Spring chicken, where doing this sort of thing is more easily forgiven, and one able to pick back up in and with life in the real world.  At my age, with my track record – yeah, not so much!  Basically have pretty much screwed myself over.

Like, right now, to sustain myself, I am left with resorting to doing spot, day jobs… and I thought the “good” jobs that I did have were not to my liking?!  Yeah, when you’re left scraping the bottom of the barrel of shit jobs, and this is all you have to hope for and go on – how do you think you’ll be feelin’ then, Jeffrey?!  Do you think you’re going to like those?  Or, no?

I certainly dealt myself a hand here now, didn’t I?  But, as I kept having to tell myself today, is – well, the deed is done, Jeff… you’re here now.  You can’t go back in time and do it all over, you’ve got to make do with what you’ve gone done.

And honest to goodness, these whole three weeks, I haven’t even really enjoyed myself… I haven’t had time to, or the inclination to do so, even though for that first week I was like deluding myself that this was just all some kind of vacation, and la la la la la la!  But, except for just a couple, very short lived moments, where I was out in nature, of course, when I would be able to momentarily shut off and just enjoy the peaceful surroundings of it all.

Other than that, I haven’t dared myself to, because just like pressed up against my nose is the fact, reality of what it is I have done, and am now doing – left everything, and am now living out of a van!  Trying and needing to figure out what to do next!  This all has felt like work.  That’s exactly how it’s been – everyday – work – except no 9 to 5’r here, 24/7 of my mind not shutting off the cold hard fact bearing down on me of trying to figure out what next.  This ain’t no fuckin’ picnic, Jeff!  This is reality!  This is serious shit, that right now you need to figure out, because you’re less than two months shy of turning forty-fuckin’-seven years old, and you’ve dealt yourself this!  This is your life now!  What are you going to do?!  What. The. Fuck. Are. You. Going. To. Do?!  How the fuck has this bettered you, and/or your life right now?!

So, no, has not been a pleasure cruise… too much work to do and figure out, to enjoy, and just “live in the moment”, and whatever… – I have nothing, and am living in a van!  This is not something I want to continue doing.  Fun for the weekend getaway and short lived vacation, but this isn’t that, now is it, Jeffrey?  No, it is not.

There are two girls off to my right, rolling down a hill together.  Ah, to be a child again.  To have that freedom of the only thing your world consists of is just the endless, boundless beliefs and knowings of what we only knew of then.  God bless them.  Enjoy it, girls!  Soak it all up, and in, and enjoy every last moment of your childhood, and your innocence and ignorance to all this life/world really is.

Adults can’t afford to be as we were when we were children.  Literally.  Unless, of course, they can, and have not to toil over financial matters, and can just do whatever, whenever, without monetary worry or concern.

Though again, that was one of the reasons I did set out on this for, for my anti-money self to see if I can find a way to live freely in this world without being beholden to the god almighty dollar.

Maybe I am going about it all wrong.  I still keep trying to do it with blinders on, within the parameters of not trying to live in this fucked up capitalist/consumer world, while all the while doing so… trying to figure out how to do so.  When one can’t do both.  It’s an either, or.  Do, or don’t.  And that is where the rub is… from my not knowing any other way to be and live, from having come to be born and raised right in the heart of Capitalist central.

Though, that is not true either, there was a time when I didn’t know of this way – when I was like the two young kid girls who were just rolling playfully down a hill with nary a concern – when I was a child too.  But, of course, that was because I was dependent upon my parents, who provided all for me so I didn’t have to for myself… can’t do that as an adult.  Well, you can, but I sure as hell am not one that would… sucking off of the government’s teat, or whatnot.

So, back to the very ol’ same square one of – what then?  What to do?

Well… it’s not like I ain’t got nothin’ better to do then to try and figure it out.  So, I guess, back to work.

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