December 28th, 2016
So, yeah, this shit – (to me) worthless colored pieces of shit paper with numbers on them crap… aka – money.
That, along with me being me, being the crux of it all, and why it is I find myself doing what I am doing, so as to find a way to be, do, and live in this here life/world, without wasting (anymore than I already have) my life with it just revolving around acquiring the worthless colored pieces of shit paper with numbers on them crap.
I really am so sick of this tired, tired old tale. I really am. I mean, come on… my entire adult life has been me ramming my hard head up against this very same wall, minute after minute, hour after hour, day after day, week after week, month after month, year after year… enough already.
I just don’t know what to do anymore. And as I have written in the build up to me going on this journey o’ mine, pretty much a switch has been switched off, that of my continuing to just hop and hop from stupid dumb ass money job to another, because I am only at said job for fuckin’ money, which is pretty much established that I don’t give a flying fuck about, and means as less as anything possibly can with me. In essence pretty much screwing me. Because how am I then to live and survive?
Unlike this life/world’s ways that I have never understood, in the blissful, money-less world of my mind, I just see everyone just doing what it is they do, because they enjoy, love, want to do it.
Doctor’s care and tend to patients because they know they are helping, taking care of others, making them better and feel well. Teachers hearts are warmed when they help a child, or adult, learn something for themselves. The farmer in knowing that the sweat he gets tending his fields, will line the plates that will feed families, and people all around. The carpenter’s pride of seeing his handiwork brings shelter to those in the dwelling they now have to live in. The garbageman who knows that because of their work, the community and land that they live in is clean and beautiful… On and on, and on, and on, and on…
The doctor tends to the baker, because he/she knows that the baker will provide bread for his/her table and/or the table of others… the baker bakes the bread for the mechanic because he/she knows that the mechanic will fix their car and/or the vehicle of others… the mechanic will repair the car of the photographer, because he/she knows that the photographer will create a images for the mechanic, and/or others of their family, loved ones, or just a capture of a sunset that will just be adored… On and on, and on, and on, and on…
There is no, my service I provide is greater than yours, or, is worth more, more valuable… no bartering of, “I will do this for you, if you do this for me in return”… just people being and doing, in balance and harmony.
Yeah, I was just definitely born in an entirely wrong time. Maybe Life, the universe isn’t perfect, and like I was meant to be sent and come into and live in a life/world that is progressed in it’s evolution… but like a package that is set for Beijing, accidentally ends up in Akron, I came here.
I don’t know… back in the reality of this life/world though, even my attempts at compromise, in trying to find and do something that matters to me, that I enjoy, care about, and makes me feel good to do… like being a preschool teacher, something in the field of photography, being a driver for those with a disability…
Yet, there comes in the other crux to it all – me. Me being me, who I am. Where everything has to be all or nothing – done/ran well, everything about it near perfect, or I don’t want to associate myself with it and all it’s failing aspects. Because, you know, I am so goddamn perfect! And so everything else must be too.
Sometimes I do believe that I just need to open up, and serve me a good ol’ can of Get The Fuck Over Yourself! You Idealistic, delusional, Utopian living in your own mind, mother fucker!
Why do I have to be me? The way that I am? Why didn’t I come to here and play the game by the rules, the same way as everyone else does?
Which is crux number three – me, again. My whole belief system… knowing, as I call it, because it is more than just something I believe in, because hell, it would have been abandoned decades ago like my reared Catholicism! But, is like just this inner knowing, that this is all not real… this is not all there is to it… there is, and we are, more. Which again circles back around to why am I this way, here, when obviously, there are clear irreconcilable differences.
In my youth and vigor, well it was just seen as my call to go out into the world and right all it’s wrongs… But, over time, that drive, passion, all ebbed and drifted away never to return. Why? Because this all is not real… this is not all there is to it… there is, and we are, more. This life is only a temporary blip in the whole of Life… why bother? It doesn’t matter. Here is just here. This life is just this life. It is what it is. So what? It’s all an illusion anyway, so why get all worked up and worry about it?
And thus, years ago, so long ago that I can’t even remember when the last burning ember of my passion of, and towards anything, just quietly extinguished and no longer continued to burn.
Life without passion is an empty life indeed. For what is there to live for? What is there to eagerly awake to each and every new day in order to go out and follow and pursue that passion? The answer is nothing, my brothers and sisters. Another day is found to be nothing more than passing time.
Welcome, you have now entered me and my life.
Not bitchin’, and moanin’ there… as, I am many things, but am not a fool… I know I made this life for me, I chose it… for what, I do not know why, and am still trying to figure out… but, know this all is of my doing, and mine alone… so, no – am not bitchin’ when I say the above… just merely illustrating that of where and which I find myself, and am.
“Passing time” though, that does pretty much sadly sum up me and my life… just biding my time, getting through the day, holding out, in hopes that a day will just come when – ? Something will just happen… a reason/purpose to this all will be found and had… it all will just end…
That default life, of being a passenger within one’s own life… hoping that the self-driving car of Life, will just deliver me to some destination that it knows to take me… and once there, I will have arrived to this home of the answer to all I have questioned on the looong drive to.
Are we there yet?
I do trust in Life, and do believe that Life is a partner in and with me and my life… also don’t believe that obviously of course, Life has full control of the wheel… I wouldn’t be me if I believed that
I have often used the analogy of Life being a road (for example, when I say on like, the great Interstate road of Life, this current life/world that we have chosen to only currently recognize and know, is just a pulled over to stop, at and along that road), but in the partnering terms, better to compare Life to that of an ocean, a river, stream, with it’s own flow and currents, leading those upon it to travel wherever it may be currently flowing at any given time. But, we are too our own vessel, ship, upon that water, to change direction, turn our rudders and sails towards any horizon we choose, with, or against, the tide.
Well, I am clearly one of those who seems to constantly want to keep steering and going my own path… and almost seemingly, against the current.
Is that something I should cease to do? To stop trying to go up river, and join everybody else going down river? I mean, again, I do say that I believe and trust in the current, flow, and stream of Life, that it is a partner to me and my life… so why not just relinquish all control over to it, and allow it to take me where it is it takes me?
Well, naturally, that is when the fiercely independent, there-are-no-strings-on-me, I am in control of me and my life thank you very much, part of me clears his throat.
Am I simply a ye of little faith? Who needs to let go of that “devil” way of thinking, and place my trust to that which is greater than I, to take me where it is it knows I need to go?
Wouldn’t it be funny if that turned out to be the case.
Do I think it is the case? No. But then, I really don’t know anymore. Because, what has my course gotten me? When all I’ve seemed to do is tread the same patch of water, over and over going nowhere.
Which again doubles back to, yeah – in this life/world, no I haven’t seemed to go anywhere, and be, do, accomplish anything… but, I am not living for this life/world (so I say… and if I’m not, than why pray tell are you here, Jeffrey ol’ bean?!), but Life as a whole…
Okay, well then, Jeff, how has the life you’ve liven here added, benefitted, improved, progressed your Life as a whole? Are you a better you? The soul, spirit, pure being that is currently known as Jeffrey Paul Howard, more than when you came? If you were to leave here today, would you say that you accomplished that which you set yourself out to do here, and able and ready to head to wherever you and your Life go to next?
I don’t know. No.
Why am I me? Why can’t I just simply be?
Because I have chosen to.
Yes, yes I have. And for why? What?
I think, even in the many long years of me being me, that I have still done so within the confines of a box. And just simply need to think outside the box.
Lift thine self up, Jeffrey… perspective… what is the bigger picture? The whole of it all? You did choose this life, for everything to be just the way that it is… – you. And it was for a reason. Want to know that reason, well then, just simply ask yourself.