March 8th, 2017
A lot of things, questions, have been swirling about my head as of late… be them the usual of what the living fuck am I to do, go, etc., … As well, as going as far as my continued existence here, and in, this here life/world.
Really, a number of the decisions I have made recently, have reflected the latter there, and my saying – “fuck it”… if I am gonna be going out soon, then, I am going to at least go out with me being me, doing that which I like and want.
“To the last, I grapple with thee; From Hell’s heart, I stab at thee; For hate’s sake, I spit my last breath at thee.”
And there I go again, referring to, and speaking of Life, as if Life were my whale, an adversary, a foe, at which I am in constant battle with… when again, that is not the case… Life is not that… but yet, is how I continually place it to be in my life.
A thought just occurred to me – all of what I described, just put me to mind what I have heard from those who reflect upon the news, politics, and have said in reference to this country’s now (oh, my living god, help us all!) President, that his behavior, his 3am tweets, rants, from the narcissistic blowhard, always against somebody, or something, is him needing to have an enemy, something, or somebody to use as this deflecting shield of negative attention focused on and towards him, be it Hillary, the media, whoever it might be today, etc….
That perhaps, I am just doing the same thing with Life. That, nooo, it’s not me – it’s life! That’s the source of the problem! Hm…
My reasoning for thinking that my impending doom is growing more imminent, is because this so-called re-immersion of myself back into life and society, which, when I have said that, and when I say that, what I am pretty much me saying, becoming a “responsible” working citizen yet again, in order to fund my survival… well, that was one of the reasons I went up to the coast, Eureka, and am now here again in Sacramento, is solely for the sake of finding a “job” so as to bring in some funds… but, as soon as I started to, and did the umpteenth millionth job search I have done in my life, my eyes just instantly glazed over… nothing but nothing appealed to me, and more and more, I just began sinking deeper and deeper into that long ago recognition, that I am just, simply, screwed. I’m fucked. I’m done. I’m toast.
I can’t do it anymore. That was the reason I embarked on this calvacade of journeyness because I just couldn’t do it anymore, the same ol’ same ol’ of just signing on to some money-job, and doing it until I no longer can stomach doing so, and the endless cycle of it ever since. I can’t put myself through it anymore. As I have written before, it is like a switch that has been switched off, and the switch is now gone, been removed, and can never be switched back on again.
Well, that puts one in this here/life world in quite a pickle. Because, unless I like win the lottery, or find me a sugar mama, my goose is cooked.
Also makes this whole journey quite a failure too, as one of the reasons that I did set out on it, was to try and find a way for someone like me to continue to exist in this here life/world… to find a way to survive and live in it, somehow sans money.
There is a way, and got to be a way, because millions of people on this planet do it everyday… I guess from just being born right square smack dab in the middle of Capitalist Central, and my entire existence here, knowing no other way but… my mind just doesn’t get how to function otherwise outside of the everyday norm that I have only known.
I have failed. Or, more accurately, haven’t failed, because I never really have put in the effort towards it. All my thought has been in what I have been trying to do my entire life – find a way that I can, to minimally live within the confines of how this life/world says one needs to do so, which is still doing so… when what I need to try and do is do so outside of the confines, cage, prison, of how this life/world says one needs to. And it is that area that I have not really fully tried to explore.
Because I know what that entails – everyday living like, well, like I have been pretty much living the past seven plus months now – day to day, basic survival, like an animal. Where one’s day consists mostly of attaining food, shelter, etc., Who the hell also wants to live that life too? Apparently, not me, as that is why I have pushed away really the notion of me doing so.
So, there I am in the middle, not wanting to live life by it’s rules on either end.
Well, I guess that means then, Jeffrey ol’ bean, that it’s time to sign off and out. You, and this life/world had a good run, but, because of irreconcilable differences, you two just aren’t compatible, and time to amicably call it done.
Thus, my “fuck it” mentality, if I’m gonna be going out, at least I am gonna enjoy my last days, and like go experience the ocean, majestic forests… me being me, living my life.
Which is kinda funny too, my entire adult life, have I not had nary a worrying thought of “death”, as I don’t believe in death. There is no death, no dying, life is eternal, we are eternal… when one leaves this life/world, it’s merely like leaving a room, passing into another, as if through a door… that’s it. But, now with my “potential doom” looming more and more upon the near horizon, are these thoughts of fear and worry that you are now having, Jeffrey?
I don’t know. Do I really think that my time is near? No, not really. Well, it may be, but, honestly, I really don’t think about it, as I never have ever done… I just go through the day the same, like always. But yes, the notion has popped into my head more and more lately.
Am I wanting to leave? No. Ever since I spit my first breath at the thee of life, in my early twenties, after consecutive years of thinking my end was at hand, and my then defiantly exclaiming that I was not leaving! I am not going anywhere! I am not throwing in the towel, and will leave this life/world when I damn well say that I am ready and it’s time, and not a moment sooner.
So, with less piss and vinegar behind it, is still my thought right now. It’s not my time. I came here for a reason, and am not going to go anywhere, until I figure out what that reason is. So, no, don’t think, and personally, am not looking to cross that threshold into the next adventure, when I am still very much embroiled in this current one.
I guess, just the reality of things, making the thoughts pop into my head. Of funds dissipating, that need to be replenished, but yet I do not want to do the required means to replenish them… yeah, sorta makes one recognize that the two don’t mesh and work for the other.
Frankly, right now, I have said fuck it to finding another stupid ass money-job… at least here, in Californ i a… and have just decided to go the route of just lightening my load of things, selling them. The other day, just on the cusp of where the next day, I would have to voluntarily again go involuntarily without eating, fast, I sold my iPad Mini, which provided me to pay my cellular service for this month, to fill up Burgey, and to purchase food for another week.
Right now, I am in talks with selling my black photo backdrop, stand and posing stool, as well as my two LED light panels, and stands, as really I rarely use them at all anymore, and have just been taking up precious space in my van for the past seven months. But, if sell those, that will be able to fund the coming month, and my being able to make it back home.
Which, right now, I am wanting to head to, if again only temporarily. My niece will be graduating from high school in May, and there is always my ma… I just know that now, I want to be sure to be at least closer to that area for both reasons… but, again, know it will only be for only as long as need be, and then getting the hell away from there as I have absolutely no desire still to be anywhere near it.
Have been looking to places to move to in the peripheral area… Colorado, South Dakota… But, Colorado is just too damn expensive (why I am also leaving California here, and not venturing further north into Oregon, like I said previously I was considering)… South Dakota, the Rapid City area, is really a cool part of the state, with the Badlands, the Black Hills, only a few hours driving distance to my Big Horn Mountains across the border in good ol’ Wyoming.
Why not Wyoming again? I have run the course of places in Wyoming where I would really like to live. I know that I really prefer a city of some size to it, so as to have amenities, things to do, go to, etc., and have run the gamut of places that exist in Wyoming that cover that, and either one of those places I don’t want to go to. Though, maybe Sheridan…
Rapid City area though, is of good size, lots of aesthetically pleasing natural areas around it, and only a solid day’s drive to back home. Also, the cost of living is more in my ballpark. So, am kinda sorta leaning towards there as being the place to go.
Of course though, still looms very largely, the whole fact of, well then – what are you going to do when you get there then, Jeffrey?
That damn albatross about my neck! That cross which I bear… what to do… am nowhere near closer to knowing than I ever have never been. Really is quite annoying and frustrating.
So, is just that can I keep continually kicking down the road in hoping, trying to figure out.
Feel that is what I am doing now with the selling of this stuff… all I am doing is kicking the can down the road of where and when I will have nothing else left to have to sell, and therefore no other choice but to then bite the bullet of the felt inevitable outcome of my either having to succumb to attaining some stupid dumb ass money-job… or, perishing.
And honestly, what end has struck fear, or really fueled the fear of my demise to the very core of me, is not the latter, but the former… because that is what frightens me the most – if I were to have to settle, and in the end just take some money-job somewhere, at some point, I know it will be at the cost and expense of a very big chunk and part of me dying. And that is what I am truly afraid of! And do not want to happen, and thus what rules my thinking of my days being numbered – because I would rather, and will, leave this life/world before I would allow that to happen to myself!
I guess enough babbling on for now.
So, right now, what I am doing, is pretty much just selling what I can to further fund my existence, and get me physically closer to the area of the home of my youth… and once there, coming upon that perpetually kicked can again upon the road, then the same ol’ same ol’ of figuring out what to do then.
Besides, that’s the non-existing “future” anyway… there is only now… here’s to now! Here’s hoping that your now is going well for you… if not, well, right now, it’s the past, and there is brand spankin’ new now, right now! Make that Now, better! All the best to you, my fellow journeyers and travelers!