February 16th, 2017

Yeah, so…

Ten days gone from Slab City, and have been moments in those ten days, that I wish I was back there.  Back there so as to be able to freely exist without pressure.

I knew this “third part” of this here journey o’ mine, was going to be the more difficult, as I forced myself to reintegrate back into society… to get back to “the real world”.

Seems what all I’ve been doing though is what I scolded myself for having done during the first part of the journey – distract myself.  Just going around to all of these places like I’m a tourist as if I don’t have a care in the world…

Yeah, I also predicted that the newfound / sunk in perspective / philosophy, of living in the now, the present, and not concerning myself with a non-existent future, would be put to the test straightaway… and it has.

Of all my idealistic, Utopian, la-la land living in my own world ways, dang if I ain’t equally as much a pragmatic, realist, who is just too responsible to allow myself to just live so freely, without a care or worry in that little world of sunshine and flowery meadows.

Can’t seem to shake that nagging voice in the back of my head asking, what are you doing, Jeff?  How is this helping you?  You know you can’t do this forever… what are you going to do when you no longer can afford to do it, or anything?  Then what?  What are you going to do?  This whole flyin’ by the seat of your pants thing, it’s not settin’ you up for down the line… is merely you just filling your time with distractions, in a kick the can down the road of dealing with it all when the shit hits the fan.

And a part of me agrees with that, because it’s true… I know what’s coming (do you now, Jeffrey?  You are Nostradamus now, are you, and can see the “future” now, eh?), the inevitable of my whole reintegrating myself back into society, means that I am going to have to find and do something, at some point, to pay the cost for living…  but, none of that has changed – I don’t want to fall back to doing just some other stupid damn money-job, that I won’t want to do, for something I think is the least worthy of anything in the world, just so that I can live in this god forsaken fuckin’ world.

And yes, I am also very much aware, that that sentiment is getting absolutely no tears of pity from absolutely no one else anywhere!  Oh, boo-fuckin’-hoo, pal! You got to do what we all gotta do every day, day in and day out, and work for a livin’?! Oh, gee, man, shit, that’s rough! I’m really feelin’ for ya’ here!

To which I then normally get on myself for needing to get the fuck over myself.  What – you think you’re somethin’ special here?!  Think you’re better, or too good, to do what everybody else fuckin’ has to do?! Huh?!

To which I then normally answer, no.  No I am not.  I am nothing special.  I am nothing more.  We all aren’t.  We’re all just hapless fool souls in this life, born to a life of servitude to something greater than us all – money.

Fuck me.  Pretentious asshole prick.  Go fuck yourself.

The cover photo above, is of me standing beneath a magnificent and majestic sequoia tree, in the National Park of it’s namesake.  And frankly, I only went to it so as to take this photo, for I knew that the subject of my next Journal entry would be what this one is titled.

I just want to be, do, be a part of, involved with, something that is bigger than me.  Something that inspires me.  Fulfills me with a sense of purpose.

That’s what I’ve been searching for, and hoping would try and figure out what it might be for me, on this here journey o’ mine fiasco thing.  And that is what has been making me drag my feet in this “part three” here, as has been my whole entire life – I don’t know what that may be, what it is I should do… and frankly, even if I did, probably wouldn’t do it anyway, because I’ve become too much of a chicken shit, in fear of failing, of it possibly not turning out to be, after investing so much of myself into it… and/or also, even more frankly, my having become too complacent and fuckin’ lazy to put in the effort, work needed, with whatever it may be.

Right now, all I am doing is heading in a physical direction, north… north through California, to just some coastal town that I know nothing about or of, so as to – …?  And just takin’ some pictures, or workin’ on a site here that no one ever visits or sees, to distract and preoccupy myself from thinking about the inevitable coming up – that soon the money paying for me to do all of this is going to run out, and then the ten million dollar question – then what?  Then what, Jeff? What are you gonna do then?  You’re just gonna fuckin’ have to do what you have fuckin’ done, the very same fuckin’ thing you’ve been doin’ your whole entire goddamn mother fuckin’ life, and just find some other worthless goddamn piece of shit money-job that you won’t give a goddamn about and/or want to do, but only doin’ just in order to get the mother fuckin’ worthless pieces of crap money in order to continue to survive.

Yeah, good fuckin’ thing you did this whole fuckin’ “journey” thing!  Only so that, after giving away everything you fuckin’ own, and have been livin’ out of a van for half a fuckin’ year, so that in the end you’re just goin’ back and resorting to doing what the fuck it was you were doing!

Way to go, man!  Good job!  Great progress!

And no, this isn’t me feelin’ sorry for myself, it’s me being fuckin’ pissed off with myself!  I am so fuckin’ fed up with me, and my life.

Of course my usual retort is – to then do something fuckin’ about it then, you whiny ass bitch, mother fucker!  But is the same ol’ – but, I don’t know what the fuck, that something, is, to do!  And that just keeps circling around back to my just being sick and tired with myself and my life, everything feeding upon the other, fueling the other, more and more, over and over and over, on and on…

[long exasperated breath and sigh]

Breathe, Jeff, breathe.  Focus.

Yeah… and that whole – that’s all in the future, man, that’s got you all stymied and all up in a fuss, and the future doesn’t exist, there is only now, this moment – shit, is starting to wear thin…

It’s because you’re undisciplined.  It’s because you lack focus.  You were right about one thing – that you have gotten soft, weak, complacent, lazy in putting in the effort when it calls for it, and too quickly bow out, and unwilling to go all in.

No, it’s because I am too goddamn old and tired of this shit!  This same old goddamn shit.

Commit yourself.

Commit myself to fuckin’ what?! Huh?! What?!  Yeah, I need to commit myself – to a fuckin’ mental institution!

See there, don’t lose your balance.  Hold on to yourself, your humor, your perspective.  Laugh at how much it is that you take after your mother and make mountains out of molehills, molehills that don’t even exist, sans in your made-up “future” creations in your mind.

How can I not though?  I mean, Jesus… one can’t just every day live without the slightest clue, inkling of what to do next, of what one is going to do come – …

By not thinking about it

Ha

It is as simple as that… you call it “distracting” yourself, “preoccupying” your time with this or that, to keep you from thinking about it all… blah, blah, blah, etc., etc., etc.  But those are your only pure moments of not being and doing so, of being free from it, letting yourself go to just be in the moment, the now… and even then, you’ll agree with me, that even in those times, you still fully aren’t, most of the time, because you never allow yourself to be.  You need to trust in yourself, in Life, that what you believe and feel to be true for you – is!  And to just let it, and you, be.  Let go.  That old prison scenario that you drew as a kid, and recreated photographically a couple years ago, of you in a locked cage, the key to it, right there – in that self made prison that you’ve put yourself in – on the wall within that cell with you.  With this journey you have taken that key off of the wall, you have it in your hand, and have even unlocked the cell door with it… now, is just a matter of pushing that cell door open, stepping, out, pushing all of your fears back into that cell, locking it, and turning around and running away, a free man of them both and all!

I’m like a recidivist, huh?  Like those who have been incarcerated so long, so used to the life and world on the inside, that when they are out, they can’t adjust, cope, live on the outside, and so go and do somethin’ to get themselves thrown back in the slammer where they feel more comfortable, at home.

Kind of, in a sense.  Except, you’ve never allowed yourself the freedom to know.  But in a sense, yeah, because it’s the same fear, uncertainty, not knowing, that is making you afraid to step outside of that cell and find out.  And why you keep denying yourself that freedom, those damn personal demons of yours – low self-esteem, close to non-existent feelings of self-worth – I tell ya’, you let yourself go, to be free, you won’t believe how fast those demons will disappear!  Only beauty, light, love, warmth, exist and live in Life… they’ll be like dracula in the sunlight of it all, and just turn to dust and blow away.  If you’d just finally allow yourself.

[the sting of tears in my eyes] Thank you for loving me.  For caring for me.

Go and rest, you silly, silly man, and soul.

Is that why I am here?  To finally learn to love myself, despite that which has led me to feel, think, do otherwise?

[silence]

Hello?  Yeah, agreed – enough of all of this, and time to call it a day.  Thank you again.  Just, thank you… for everything – your patience, your caring, your love… thank you.  It’s been a long while since we’ve had a talk like this, buddy ol’ pal and friend… the one that is bigger than me, but then, is me.

Good night.

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