December 31st, 2016
I believe that it was thirty years ago tonight, on New Year’s Eve, that I wrote my very first journal entry into my newly purchased paper journal… beginning with the illustrious words, of something along the lines of, “I look back at the year that was…”. And thus, how all this started.
Thirty years ago tonight, I was in Norfolk, Nebraska, in my grandfather’s basement, lying on a fold-out couch bed… tonight, I’m in a makeshift “city” in the desert area of southern California, in a twenty-one year old van, on an even older sleeping bag.
Another year gone. I can’t/don’t even remember what and/or where I was this time last year… oh yeah, Omaha… working once again as a para-transit driver, with the same company I had no problem leaving three years prior.
I enjoyed the job, enjoyed the people I picked up and got to see everyday on my rounds, as I took them about their lives. I really did enjoy it and them, and, as I did the first time I left them, I again now miss those passengers o’ mine.
Sadly though, the company I worked for, those people were just numbers, dollar signs that cost them money to have to go pick up, because of ADA requirements of every city that has a public bussing system, in compliance with the Americans with Disabilities Act, a comparable service must also be provided for those who cannot make it to and from a bus stop. And so the company I worked for doing pretty much everything under the sun to get by with doing that at the very absolute minimalist that they could… even going so far as to cut back the big/fixed bus side’s routes, so as to remove numbers of Omaha inhabitants with disabilities, from being able to take the service, because well, we no longer run a bus in that area, so…
The place had just really gone downhill even more than when I left it the first time. Which was sad, because it screws the public of Omaha, who depend on it for their transportation needs… as well as some of the good people that work there, who have given so many years of their life to the company, and who now just count down the days until they can retire, and until then, endure working for such a half-ass pathetic company.
I didn’t last that long, as I again left them during the Summer in order to do this frivolity. And so, for the last third of this year I have done, and will close out this year doing.
I’m a funny guy. You know, deep back in the recesses of my mind, honest to goodness, there is a part of me that hopes my doing this, will finally come to break me… you know, like a wild horse, that I will just finally be broken, give in, succumb, to the will of the world around me.
Progress is something that I say I strive for – to move forward, to grow, and become more. But hell if I can see any sign of that in me, and/or my life. Just as I wrote in the previous Journal drivel, I am just this passionless creature who is just biding time… not living, just slowly dying… on my terms, so I say.
Honest to goodness, I more and more just recognize my doing this whole journey trip thing as a means for me to break me. Sick of this whole adult life long struggle, and putting up with me and my ways, only to find myself here, with this being me, this being my life, with nothing and no one.
Because, my life long personal creed and motto – I Don’t Know. I honest to god just do not know what the fuck to do.
All I want is to be happy. Content. At peace. But yet, seems the further on that time progresses, the further away that seems to be able to be attained… so much so, that I don’t even know anymore what could possibly even make me so.
Will I allow myself to be broken? Can I be? If I were, all spirit within me would die.
I just need to find something that is just a nice, simple, fit. Some kind of job that is fulfilling, makes me feel good to be at and do, with people who make it worthwhile also, by doing good and right, with care, and passion. And can just live a simple, happy existence and life. Where there is also surroundings that inspire me, and enjoy being out in, to photograph and go out and shoot.
Why is that so hard for me to find and attain? I’ve never wanted the moon… I’ve just always wanted to be simply happy.
Well, so… as the sun sets on this here 2016 year, a year that I look back upon with no real feel for anything worthwhile in it… aside remotely, from me betten’ the family farm on this, all in or nothin’ , measure that I took in hopes of trying to figure out and find… I hope that the new coming year will bear fruit to it all, and that I may finally find solace.
To you, ever gracious visitor and actual reader of the tripe that I put out, inasmuch as I wish that for me, do I also for you, for you and your life.
Yeah, we have all set ourselves forth upon our own travels, seeking to find that which we began our journeys to find for ourselves… this personal evolutional migration/progression… Here’s to mounting this ridge and seeing beyond, the fertile green meadow of which we seek.
I am tired… the journey has taken it’s toll… it has rocked me back and forth into an almost complacency of which I have drifted… I don’t know where I am going with this…
So, I guess, as the sun sets from my current little corner of the world that I am, wishing you a good night, and all the best. Here’s to making the coming year the best that it can be for us. Godspeed.