I guess it just comes down to that.
I can think of a couple instances in my life, where I just came to a point where I could not go back, where a change had to come. One, was my becoming a vegetarian. For at least five years prior to my doing so, I had thought about, and wanted to become one. Reasons being for ethical and moral reasons – I can’t hurt anything, and respect all life, and don’t believe that certain life is on this earth just solely for us to kill and consume of it’s flesh. I am not an animal. Though, being that I happened to have been born and raised on meat and potatoes, here in the heartland of these here United States, ag country, corn fed beef country, it was just hard to give up those staples that I had been raised to consume.
Until it is that I came to a point where I just couldn’t do it anymore. And, just like that, cold turkey on my thirtieth anniversary of coming into this here life/world, I became a vegetarian, and have been one for the past fifteen plus years now, without complaint, hesitation, or second thoughts. I just couldn’t justify eating it anymore, and like a switch of light in comparison, I came to a point where I switched eating meat off, from just not being able to.
A decade or so later, in a much lesser degree, the same could be said for me photographically, in the whole fully digital conversion. I remained true, and hard fast to film photography well after digital photography had become the prominent means of photography… but too, just came to a point where I couldn’t justify the cost, the chemical/environmental hazards that is involved with traditional photographic processes, and couldn’t justify using this love of mine in that means any longer. So, went fully digital, and too haven’t looked back with complaint, hesitation, or second thoughts. Though, unlike my vegetarianism, I do still occasionally shoot film for the ol’ timey sake of doing so.
In both examples, and in the, I am sure other multiple times in my life, I just came to a point where something just clicked over, and was unable for it to click back. I no longer could. Really actually quite simple – I simply no longer could, or wanted to. And so, stopped doing so.
Another one of those is coming to be… something that has been long coming, and recognized as being even more so in the past couple years or more, of it’s inevitable coming to being.
That being, my inability to continue to live in this here life/world. To live my life, by it’s rules.
I’m not talking about leaving this here life/world… not a suicidal note here… early on, yes, a quarter century to two decades ago, oh yes – such thoughts were more prominently felt and had (though, will not lie, and say that such notions have not continued to pop up here and there, now and then… questioning the whole point of it all… if continuing here was just pointless). But akin to what I started out talking about here, I just came to point where I simply said – fuck you this life/world! I’m not going to let you destroy me, who I am, and will not give you the pleasure of my quitting, giving up and taking the easy way out by offing myself and just leaving here. I came here for a reason, and I am not going to go until it is my time to go.
Well, in the interim, I have done so, but doing so in a defeated kind of way – I only partially, on the fringes, continued to live in this here life/world by my terms, but not completely, not wholly… still did I try to find a way to coexist in this here life/world, mostly by attempting to do so by it’s rules, by how it is expected we all just MUST do, exist, live… and now it’s two decades, to a quarter century on, and all I have really done is passed time… living my life in default… just doing what had to be done in order to survive here in this life/world, and that’s it.
What the hell is the point of that?! Life is more than that! WE, are more than that! Life is not just about finding and attaining some stupid, meaningless money job that pays well, provides some good benefits, so that one can just settle down in this delusional sense of having accomplished and done something – by this life/world’s idea of having done so.
And so, all my adult life, I have played along by these rules, just enough to get by… hopping from stupid dumb ass money job to stupid dumb ass money job, doing it just as long as I can stand and tolerate to do so, before I up and leave it from being uninspired, left empty, life and soul being sucked out of me…
Why feeble attempts, like for example my trying again a couple years back to see if I could make my photography, this thing that I enjoy and love, be something that I could use as a means to live in this here life/world by it’s rules, in order to make a living at and with.
It’s really a tired old tale that I have been living and telling the majority of my existence here. This is not me. This is not who I am. This is not why I came here.
And think I have finally come to that point in my life, where I am just finally going to, for good this time, say – fuck it! Enough of this bullshit games and wasting away of me, and my life. I no longer can live by this life/world’s rules, and so, it is finally time for me to stop doing so.
And so, I am.
Which, in other words, pretty much means – I am screwed.
Okay, not really… when one is following and living to their highest right, they are not screwing themselves, but enriching and lifting themselves… but in matters of and for and in this here life/world – yeah, I am basically pretty much screwed.
Nothing worthwhile is easy though. I’ve always known this… and in fact, deep down preferred it that way, just as I am one who doesn’t like things just handed to them, but would rather earn them. Well, …
So, what does this all mean? It means, let’s see how it all ends up playing out in terms of time wise, where I will essentially be giving up everything I have and own, sans my photo equipment, laptop here, and basic essentials, that can be pretty much carried by me, as I guess, just become the full fledged gypsy nomadic soul that I am, and just take off to – ? Live. To complete this journey, that I have essentially been putting off for the majority latter half of my existence here… and I will be off, on my own, out there, doing – ?
Growing. Learning. Living. Loving. I know there are people out there that are kindred spirits and souls, I would love to happen upon them in their journey too in this current life/world that we chose to come to for our own lessons… to learn and share right along with them.
I titled this, and have commented on how my doing this is pretty much my being – screwed. Do I really feel that way? Honestly, partially, yes… but, really, honestly again, only minimally. And that part is me doing so in thinking of and in this life/world’s means and ways. The fact that I am “forty-five” of this life/world’s incremental measurement of it’s illusional thing called time… that I am too old for this shit.
You know what though? No I am not. For I am not “forty-five” years old. I am ageless, just as we all our. We are infinite souls, life, beings of light and love. We have only chosen to currently exist in this life/world forum for the reason that we each have chosen. It’s just that now, I have finally grasped the meaning of my lesson, class, and am now fully going to immerse myself within this school that I have chosen to learn from and in.
I am not screwed. I am emboldened. Scared shitless, yeah, a little, to a lot, depending upon what time, mood you get me in… but, also excited, eager, willing, smiling from ear to ear in happiness in the freeing that I am finally going to allow myself. A freedom, that yes, will come with a price, but, unafraid, I am willing to pay, because I know the reward of doing so. My belief, my faith in who I am, what it is I know to be, be true… Life is good. Life is beauty. Life is love. And a life, I am going to live by, and on, my terms. And will leave this life, living.
L’Chaim! To Life! To this journey of ours! Here’s to you, and your journey! And here’s to me and mine!