August 2015

 

Back in my youth, when I used to draw, I once made a sketch of a man enclosed within a four walled cage, a bare bulb hanging in the middle of it, and also the key to unlock the door to the cage, to get out, to freedom, being right there in the cage with him.  I disappointingly no longer have that drawing… so this Journal entry cover image is an updated version to replace it… in the artistic medium that replaced my drawing and painting – photography, of course.

Updated also is my This Life’s Journey (TLJ) website here, that was pretty much all updated for naught, and frankly have felt it is now being an absolute waste, and non-essential, since my current choices, decisions, and doings.

TLJ was put together with the prospect that I was actually going to partake on an actual journey, taking to the open road and discovering, exploring this life, life/world, me, and my place, purpose in it all.

Yeah, no.

Instead, yet again, I chose not to take hold of that key, and unlock that door to this cage/prison that I continually keep myself in, escaping it and freeing myself to being me, being true to me, who I am… but alas, chose otherwise, and to move back, yet again, to a place where I have absolutely no connection to, nor desire to be and live – the home of my youth.  A place that sucks the very life and soul out of me, and where I have to struggle to maintain me, who I am, to be true to myself, as I try not to be pulled down in the muck of negativity, fear, stagnating acceptance of what is deemed as is, and all there is.

Why ever did I do such a thing?  Family.  Because I love them.  Because they are all I have.  And whose lives, I want to be a part of, not apart of, like I would have been if I would have chosen to unlock that cage and be and do as I am and want… I would never be back here… and I don’t want to not see, and be there for them.

So, here I am.  In a place I do not want to be, for people who really could not care less that I am.  This past year has been a cold hard dose of that painful reality.  But yet, I continually chose to stay.  Why?  Again, because I love them, and they mean that much to me.

This will be the last though.  When the time comes that I will leave, I will be ripping that key off of the wall, throwing open those doors to this cage, and fleeing, running from it to never look back.

In the interim, I am not going to bitch or complain, as why should and would I?  I chose this.  No one forced me, it was my decision, and my decision alone, and I did so fully, knowing of how it would be.  So, just going to try and make the best of it, while I do bide my time until I am gone.

How so?  Definitely, I need to acquire new, other, people in my life.  I need to find and meet members of my “family”, those like minded, kindred souls and spirits who are unafraid of life, living… who live to love, and love to live.  Fellow explorers, adventurers in and of life, so as to actually have ones in my life to share it all with, to have in my life, and I in theirs.  Who will care for me, respect me, as much as I do and will them.

I may be here where I don’t want to be, doing not what I really want, but I am going to be me, and I am going to carry forth on my journey, and live it the best that I can, and as best as I can be.

The muscles and sinews of my being and soul are taut, spirit primed, eyes, heart, and mind up and looking straight ahead, ready for release to sprint from the starting blocks set inside that cage door, and before that pistol fires, I will be still practicing, honing my skills, my being, in being the best me that I can be, to live the life that I was meant to be, have, and live – one of true, total, and utter freedom!

Love life!  Love you!  Love all!  Be happy, and live and love life!  Make it, and own it!  Be you, and be true to yourself!

So, until then, this site may seem ill conceived and strange, in that it was created solely for one direction and purpose that I never then took… but, stay tuned, it, as I always do – will adapt, adjust, and change to the life that is current and present, and carry forth and on!

All the best to you in your journey, and hope to meet and share mine with yours someday.

Be happy.  Live, and love.

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