Well, now that I got the only photo that I have taken in the past week out of the way, now onto what it is this entry is going to be about, and that is dedicating it in reply to Richard, and his comment he left to my Journal entry from yesterday, so as to not make a mile long comment reply (though, I have had no problem doing it several times with Paul), Richard gets the distinction (again, this isn’t the first time I have done this) of having a whole entry devoted to continuing the conversation with him… just so I can quote and respond in my usual way that they are familiar with when we email each other. So, onto it…
I have received about 17 notification for comments from Jeff and Paul about all kinds of photographs. It may be only the blurb of RSS, but I also have received notification for this post.
No, you must be conveniently subscribed to both my regular RSS feed (that shows updates to new entries), and the Comments RSS feed for when comments are left. You two (you and Paul), have an annoying (personally, I find) way of where one needs to subscribe to each and every new post’s comments, in order to be updated of comments left… I just follow the lead of what Jacco has on his, where all comments, site wide, can be subscribed to and be updated of, when any are left… easy-peasy.
In certain moment you write that you failed and suddenly you said you haven’t because you didn’t put any effort towards the finding. Well, I don’t know this for sure. You did many huge things I never dared to do. Look at your great web page, you improved it greatly The front page is amazing.
Yeah, I’m a little bi-polar that way. Most of the times I notice it myself, but other times, when I just get to a babblin’ and ramblin’, where I don’t even know for certain what I am saying, and others point it out for me, I just always have to smile at the sheer dichotomy of me… where I seriously, as of late, the thought of perhaps I am truly bi-polar pops into my head, to wonder if I really am.
I’ve just always seen it as who it is I am, as a person, and one who is always in the middle, and just always can see both sides to something … (even though I don’t believe in any of that astrology stuff, the fact that I am a Libra, represented by scales, balanced, I do have to say is spot on though) … as well as the fact that perspective is such a big thing to and with me… I always am constantly looking at everything from every angle, at the same time… to the confusion of people reading what I write!
Which may be one of my problems… why I am so unsure, unfocused – because I never just look and see things in one, narrow point of view way, but in a constant, multi-view way… and so that keeps me from being able to focus on just one thing, and just go out and tackle one thing, because even one thing is broken down into multiple aspects… and add that to doing it with each and everything…
You see, a lot of this, me, is personal… that no one else in the world would ever know about, sans those very close to me, if it weren’t for the fact that I chose to completely and openly share it with the world wide web – me, in all my failings and eccentricities.
Oh, and thank you for the comments on my re-done front page… which I find funny that I bothered to take the amount of time that I did to do it, when A) it’s not like I have massive traffic to my site, and only about a handful of the same people (now seeing that you do actually still come by and visit, Richard) being the ones who do, and y’all usually do so via RSS feed, or Twitter, to a direct entry, and don’t know what my homepage is like (frankly, I don’t know what any of y’all’s homepages are like! Except when I go to get your site’s URL so as to link to you on my site when I speak of you)… and B) Because on a more than regular basis, I debate shutting the whole site down. But, thank you for your kind words on it… though after having it up now, and when I look at it, I seriously have to ask myself – “Narcissistic much there, Jeffrey?!” with it just being a photo of me in each and every slide!
The journey you did. I mean you are what more then 6 month on road. You did huge thing, very, very few people done that.
Yeah, because they have an ounce of sense in their heads!
So make money out of it so you can go on like this. Do not look at it as temporary thing, maybe this is what you love to do rest of your life.
No, no it’s not.
Where I have been shacking up (parking) here in my current locale of Sacramento, California, is aside this nice park, on the east side of downtown Sac (which honestly took me embarrassingly a couple times of seeing it, to realize that it’s what the natives here abbreviatingly refer to their city as), in this nice neighborhood, with these nice homes… and when I walk around the park (like practically everybody else in this city! Seriously, I have never seen such a devoted group of runners/walkers than I have seen around this park at ALL hours of the day!), look at these homes – that is what I want. I want to someday have me a home, where I can call my own, grow a garden, have a nice place. A home. For once in my life – a place to call home… to just settle into and be happy.
When I was in Slab City, I honestly commented to myself, that it was most likely the only time in my life that I would ever have my own patch of land to call my own (which seriously, anyone who would choose to move and live there, currently could, scott free, build and make a home there, on whatever little part of the land in it that they could find and like to do so… until if, and whenever, the state of California finally decided to do something about the land, and again reclaim it, thus kicking all of the squatters who have been living on it for the past nearly half century).
And I have thought about it, and even have written of it, where say, if I had a full means to do so, like a nice camper/motorhome/RV to instead do it all in besides Burgey here, that I would never be seen again and this would be what I have always dreamed of doing my entire life, just traveling, exploring, visiting all areas and parts of this life/world (there I go being all bi-polarish again!).
On this journey though, when thinking like if I won the lottery or something, is this what I would do, would I do that? And as time has passed on, more and more the answer has increasingly become – no.
Because it would be too selfish. Only living for me. I don’t feel that is what I am here for. That’s why a part of me only chose to do this site, not to show off my saying “fuck it!”, and traveling all about, whilst everyone else does their 9 to 5 grind and routine… but, that side of me wanting to hopefully and possibly be of help to someone else who would happen upon my site and read it, in my wholly honest and transparent way of telling of how this journey of discovery is transpiring for and with me.
There’s that very big part of me, that’s been a very big part of me from the beginning, where my sense of meaning, purpose has always been to be there and help others.
Not gonna lie though, that part of me that would just love to just be this explorer and just for the sake of being able to do it, would just love to travel around the globe, experiencing, learning of, the places, people, in the lives, world they are in…
I really am just a mental case.
You complaining about life you have now on the road.
No, I am not complaining at all, and if it comes across that way, then I am just terrible at writing and conveying it. I chose this. I am doing all of this purposefully. So why on earth would I complain about it?! I am pathetic, but I am not a pathetic fool to do such a thing! All I am doing is bluntly telling of the trials and tribulations of my purposefully decided upon choice to do all of this, and the honest consequences because of, that I have to deal with, because of. That’s it. Nothing more, nothing less.
On other hand you do have fear of becoming “the right” citizen money job/life prison. What if you look at your current way of life as the way to explore the world for other people. What if you forget about yourself and report about the world you have seen and will see to others.
Yeah, I don’t know.
You seems not to be sure about reason for you to be in this world. Wouldn’t that reason by exactly what are you doing now? Travelling, writing, photographing, sharing your most inner thoughts with us?
Well, that would be an odd thing to do. I don’t know… will just have to see how it all plays out
And later you write about conflict between the way you make money for the way of life you have now. Sort of conflict between way of making money (you hate the stupid money jobs) and freedom of travel.
I think this is not the truth. It seem to me that the only way to get your money, you see manual labour, something you hate to do for money.
I just, at this point, want to clarify again, not to you, Richard, per se, but to anyone who may ever actually happen upon this… – I am NOT adverse to work! I am not just some slacker who just doesn’t want to work for a living… I work. And a testament to that is my work history, where I have worked for places I loathed, doing stuff that didn’t interest me in the slightest, but was an ideal employee at all… up to, and including the last money job I had in the Autumn where after four days I was promoted to manage and run the entire business!
That is because I am NOT a slacker, but one who commits, devotes himself to what it is I am set to do, even if I despise it. Whomever hired me, hired me to do a job, and that is what I am there to do, whether I like it or not. If I don’t, there is always the door. So, until I use that door, and am there working, I damn well for sure better be doing my job, what I am being paid to be there for, the best that I can. And I do.
So, I am not just someone who wants to coast through life without putting out any effort… I put in the effort, I work. The problem lies in that I just can’t seem to find something, someplace, to work for, that is a fit for, to, and with me.
Anyway… back to our regular scheduled program…
Imagine that you would received money/support from people who would love to do what you are doing (travelling, writing, photographing). I believe that in such a state you wouldn’t hate the process of making the money.
Yeah, no. Never gonna happen.
There are certainly huge amount of people who would support you.
No, I know my site’s analytics, there are the four of you, that’s it. And even if there were more, no, never gonna happen.
I would! I believe you need to go where those people are (kickstarter,… or whatever places) they are not next to your camper. Go there show them what you have done, what you doing and what you can offer to them. And ask for money support.
You are very kind, Richard to offer to do that, as it is also the second time too that you have, and again, I find that very kind of you to offer to do so for me, and suggest my doing so. But, it is never gonna happen. It’s not anybody’s job to subsidize my life, my choices I have made in living it, and there is no way in hell that I would ever ask anybody to.
And honestly, that may just boil down to the fact that I don’t think anybody really truly fathoms and appreciates the fact that I cannot seem to emphasize enough – that I hate, loathe money. I don’t care about, or for, it. It means nothing to me. But, I know it’s value, and what it is, and takes for one to acquire it. And so am no way in bloody hell, going to ask someone else, who is doing whatever it is they are doing in their lives to acquire it, especially when I openly tell of how I do not want to do ANYTHING for it, have them do all the work and hand it on down and over to me to use. Plain and simple – it’s not gonna happen. Ever.
Heck, even in legitimate ways, I have Tim, the fourth, silent, visitor to my site, who tells that he, and a handful of other kind people, would like a print of my ‘Chimney Rock, Perigee Moon’ photo I took on this here journey o’ mine this past Autumn, to hang in their respective abodes… and he touts that it is photographic related way for me to attain some money! But, that’s not gonna happen either, because I would just happily want to make and give the print to them… there is no way I would allow my friends to pay for something… I’ll do it for them, but I will not make a cent of profit, as I will only charge them the cost of getting it printed, and that’s it.
MONEY MEANS ABSOLUTELY NOTHING TO ME!!! I can’t say it any clearer or simply. l don’t care about it, and it has absolutely no value to me whatsoever. To me, taking money from them for it, would be insulting.
For me to go on one of those funding sites, to ask others to fund the decisions and choices I have made in my life… that’s not anybody’s job to do. And I don’t care if there are people out there who would actually possibly do it with their money… I would just say, that there are far better things for them to be spending their money on and investing in.
Again though, I do sincerely thank you, and gratefully appreciate you saying that you would do so, Richard. It is very kind of you, and you offering is not lost with me.
At the end of you post you write about big part of you dying when you return to the way of life you had before the travel.Do you know how privileged you are? You know this before it even happen. Some people realize that when they are in that sense dead already and some never do!
We all make our own choices. And we all have to deal with, live with, and own, those choices. Others are free to do just as I have, they just have to do so. Just because they haven’t means they value more what it is they say is the reason why they do not do it.
Again, since the beginning, people have made waaay too much more out of all of this than I have, stating similar to what you have, Richard… and I just have to continually disagree. I just keep thinking of a line from a Springsteen song –
“… these days I’m feelin’ alright, ‘cept I can’t tell my courage from my desperation”
I’ve been told it’s courageous for me to do so, and that I got big balls for having done so… but, I see it more as me just grasping for straws… when you run out of any and every other choice, really doesn’t seem like courage then, now does it?
And that may be my fault in that I do occasionally get all bitchy and whiny about things, and I do apologize for that when I do… I know better, and sometimes even do when I am in the midst of my woeful pathetic wailing, that I am only going through this because I made me so. Don’t like it? I can just as easily change course, find me some job and place to settle and live the “normal life”. Until then, Jeffrey, shut the fuck up and get over yourself.
Don’t stop, use what great you already did! Let other people to help you and show other people the way. Imagine there is somebody like you in his/her twenties who has no idea. Show them that it is possible!
I believe in you!
You’re a good man, Richard, and am glad that we crossed paths, oh so many years ago now, that I can’t remember when it was that we did, on some photo site eons ago… and also good to hear you drop a line here, after my thinking that you no longer even bothered to visit anymore, thank you for doing so.
I am seriously sitting here in one of the library branches in Sacramento, California, laughing at the line “…and show other people the way”… Oh, man, that’s a good one! I don’t even know the way, Richard! I am making this all up as I go. And the only one who has an idea, the only one who can know, find out what to do for themselves – is themselves! I have no idea what it is they are searching, looking, longing for, wanting… and again, heck, I don’t even know anymore myself! Only one who can be of help to them, is them.
Sure, sometimes it’s comforting to find and share that there are others out there who feel, think, share in the same things that we may, and that can always be helpful and nice. But still, bottom line – we each gotta do what each gotta do in our own lives, that’s best for us, that works for us… that is – us.
Maybe that mentality or outlook is ill served with me though, and is just an offshoot to my having been alone my entire life, having to rely upon myself… ? I don’t know… who knows.
Yes, and again, I know I am all over the place saying things… shooting down that idea of your’s, Richard, when just above, I say that I want to live a life where I am something to others, of help for, and to others… I guess, I just don’t see this as being a, or the way… but again, me just trying to personally figure out what that way may be… publicly for the whole bloody world wide web to see!
God, I love kids. Sitting here in the library, and around me, there are just kids, being kids… kids that skip, just instantly warm my heart! Oh, hold onto, and be one, for as long as you can, sweet, little dear ones! Don’t ever lose who it is you are right now! For that is your true nature and soul – curious, playful, full of open-eyed promise, hope, wanting to know, see, explore, believing, trusting, full of joy, freedom. Wrap that aspect of you up in a tight little ball, and plant it deep within you, so that when you get older, and this life/world tries to rip, strip everything out of you except what it says you only need to, and should be, and do, you can reach down within, embrace, and hold onto it tightly, and let it be your light in the darkness of it all.
And I guess, I will just close this with that positivity of youth … though again, I do see how I labeled life as this evil monster out to snatch the very life out of us… I really need to change that perspective, if I keep saying that I deep down don’t believe it, yet continually assign such attributes to Life. Why do I do that? Is it, that earlier explained, just my multi-faceted, perspective way of seeing all sides of things? Or, what? Though, when I am characterizing ‘life’ as this beast out to slay us, I am speaking of this life/world, not Life… still…
Yeah, I gotta a lot that I am just trying to figure, and work out myself… not much help for and to someone else. My best advice – find your own way. And just feel free to stop on by here, and see how, and if, I may have found a way for myself. I promise there’ll be photographs!