November 2014

 

I am such a man that is just this incessantly moving forward gent… never looking back, head down, always eyes fixed on the ground in front of me, as I just continually plow straight ahead, forward… or in place, up against, into, the latest wall placed in front of me.  I so easily am able to discard, leave behind aspects, parts of me, who can’t keep up.  Sorry, fellas – if you’re not a part of anything that aids in driving me forward, you’ll just get left behind.

I am very prudent with my energy and time, and conserve both whenever I can, for I know me and my life, and I need as much in reserves as possible, for any given moment when me and my life may all of the sudden need it, because of how I live it.

I am getting too old, and am too far passed, what my sorry ass life has consisted of up to now – me just hopping around from pathetic stupid damn money-job, to pathetic stupid damn money-job… only there for as long as I can stomach it, and able to, before needing to leave because it means nothing to me.  Doesn’t inspire me, interest me.  And so flitter off and try to find some other, most likely again only going to be temporary thing, that I too will not give a rat’s ass about, and will only be doing for the pitiable sake of worthless pieces of shit money!

That’s not me.  Never has been, and never will be.  I am not going to waste my life with just some job that pays well, has good benefits, and whatnot… who cares?!  That’s not what life is and for!  That is not why we are here!  Why we brought ourselves, and came, here into this life/world for!  Just to – what?!  Do this meaningless, pointless shit, until we die?!  For us to just grow up and fall into this machine like existence of doing nothing for nothing, but under the guise that this is what it is we all are suppose to do!  No, it’s not!   No thank you!  And I have not, and am as completely and totally incapable of being someone who would do that to myself.

TryingToLiveAnd that there, is really the very center, core, heart of it all – I have absolutely no care in the tiniest nano-fragment of a bit care, or interest to do anything in my life in that manner.  And thus, why my life has been what it is, is now, and will (hopefully not) continue to be until the day I leave this here life/world.  I’m going to leave here living, not just slowly dying each and every day.  Going to “die” living.

Though, if I may put on my cynic hat, I would honestly have to say that that is exactly what I am doing anyway – dying, and not living.  Well, not really dying, more like, just not really living… merely passing time, until the time comes for me to leave here.  And that is equally as sad and pathetic as dying everyday too.

Yeah, I got issues.  Of which I can turn around in my own little stand, and pluck whatever issue it is I want to peruse and use as an excuse to fill and pass my time…

I think I may have gotten too selfish here as of late.  I really have.  Anything, or anybody who is seen as not of on the same page with me, and what it is I need to do for me, for my life, is just – okay, no hard feelings, but – bye.  See ya’.  I’m outta here and gone, and wish you a good life… I’m off on mine.  I am happy to a part of yours, and share this journey with you, but if you are not wanting to be a part of mine – okay, again, that is fine, no hard feelings, all the best to you, and goodbye… perhaps we shall meet again someday.

And I really think that is how it’s going to play out, that I am just going to have to cast these lines and ties that I have had anchor me to this shore, and bid adieu.

[sigh]

I don’t know.  I really don’t.  But, am not giving up on one day hopefully finally knowing.  That is me.  That is my journey.

I wish you all well in your’s.

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