July 2014

 

Yeah, I don’t know what I am doing.

I, Mr. King Of Crossing That Bridge When I come To It, am just a few feet away from the foot of that bridge, and I don’t have the slightest idea’r as to what I am going to do.

I have repeatedly said (in my classic style of kicking the can down the road), that when the moment comes, whatever it is I honestly, purely, and truly believe, feel, think, would be the thing for me to do, that whatever that will be, it would be the best, good, right thing for me to do.

Yeah, well, what if you honestly, purely, and truly just don’t know?!

I am really getting too old for this.  How many times has it been in my life, that I have been at this fork in the road?  Stood here and looked at all the different directions, paths I could take?  Countless.  Turning and gazing at the horizon at the end of each path…

One of my concerns that when this moment came for me to decide what it was I am to do next, was that I would A) still know not what to do…  B) That, just to pick something, I would just end up picking whatever would be the easiest and simplest thing for me to do at that very moment, because of needing to then do it NOW!

Do I do that on purpose?  Is that why I do this last second decision bull shit – so as to leave myself the easy way out excuse to do the easy choice and option?  I wouldn’t put it past me.  For, I would honestly have to say, that so many times when I was at this crossroads, looking at the different road choices in front of me to go, that I ended up doing the safe, easy bet.

Right now, that safe, easy choice and option, is to just go back towards the home of my youth and – just, be there.  Really, that would be the only thing I’d, in the end, be doing – just, there.  My saying and wanting to do that, solely for my nieces and nephews… and my ma… so as to be closer to them, and able to once again be more a part of their lives.  And for what else?  Nothing.  Absolutely, positively nothing.  Because I have absolutely, positively no desire to go and be back there, whatsoever.  As there being absolutely, positively nothing for me back there, aside from them.

Yet, any other option, path, road I were to instead choose and take, would be pretty much saying goodbye to them, as I would be off, so much farther away from them than I am now.  I would be off.  Gone.  Riding the wind.

I don’t know.

What I have been tossin’ around as of late, is doing that move back home’ish idea, except, instead of giving it just a year like I have been thinking (knowing that was probably as long as I could take living back there, before wanting to get the hell out – again), I am now thinking even less than that, just going back for like three months, and just see how it goes.  If after the three months, still feel the desire to want to stay close and be there with them, then okay, will finish out the originally planned year.  If after the three months, my thoughts are, okay this has been more than good and enough, and staying there providing no benefit, then, will still just continue on and take off from there to – ?

I don’t know.

My life long motto:  I don’t know.  Just once though, I just wish that I did know.

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