March 27th, 2017
going dark |ˈɡōiNG därk |
1 – Slang term in the intelligence world which means you go silent. You don’t speak or communicate with anyone for a given period of time.
2 – To disappear; to become suddenly unavailable or digitally out of reach for an undefined period of time.
3 – To remove ones self from all social media outlets and otherwise make oneself unavailable for contacting. Typically done in order to be more productive.
I used to write in handwritten journals, an endeavor I started when I was not too far along into my either seventeenth or eighteenth year of age. I don’t recall the genesis to my doing so… maybe as just to have someone to talk to, even if it was still just me, by writing it upon this paper, within this journal, this externalizing of that which was in my head and that I was wanting to share, this conversation betwixt myself and this inanimate, reprocessed tree, somehow qualified as someone other.
The conversations I had with these handwritten journals, early on, were mostly just simple entries of my telling of what was going on in my life… which, now thinking upon that, maybe my assessment above as to why I initiated writing in the journal, was perhaps correct… in absence of anyone else to share of me, my life with, I turned to doing so within these journals… hm…
Anyway… more and more they turned to me laying out deeper, introspective, more thought out, existential, philosophical, processes, in my mind…
The internals of my mind have always been a state of constant flurry, like a newsroom minutes before going to press, from different departmental desks / areas, parts of my brain pitching new ideas, brainstorming and hashing them out, to trying to deliver final copy of them for presentation. Constant activity and action. Or, as I have long described it – a million trains running simultaneously upon a million different tracks, hopping from one train of thought track to another.
Writing, I discovered, became a blessing to me… in that, verbally, rarely am I able to articulate that which my million mile per hour mind, is trying to convey, without stammering and stuttering, unable to get a clear, coherent sentence out… and writing being this catharsis whereas my writing hand and mind formed some sort of alliance with the other, where my mind would patiently slow just enough for my writing hand to get down what it was I was trying to say… a courtesy that my mind never extended to my mouth.
Writing also aided me in that it was this externalization of feelings, ideas, thoughts, from the din of my mind, that once out, and able to see in the light of day upon the pages of my journal, helped me immensely to see things more clearly. It being cathartic also, in just it too at times, expelling some wasted excess of feelings, frustrations (which y’all are the more familiar with from following me here on this journey), ideas, thoughts, from my mind, clearing up the space within for more important ones, allowing me to move forward and on… a sort of editing process mechanism of, and for, my mind.
I continued writing in journals, up to about a dozen years ago, wherein my doing so became more and more infrequent, until a decade or so ago, I just flat out discontinued doing so, mid-journal, that I still have, with two-thirds of it’s blank pages still awaiting my return.
Why did I stop? Because I had grown more than tired with all it was I was filling it with, which to me, was of nothing new, just the same ol’ same ol’ telling of the absolute nothing of me and my life… it’s lack of direction, progress, of just seeming to be in this constant square one hell of asking the same questions, doing the same things, over and over and over and over… till, I just grew weary of it all, me… and promised/threatened myself, that I wasn’t going to write into these here journals o’ mine, until I had something worthwhile to say.
And as I noted, last entry into them was a over a decade ago.
To be fair though, around that time frame, is when I also started having my own website(s). Which, in the start were solely for my photographic work… but, over time, more and more became my writing in them also, as things with me are never pigeonholed as being just this, or just that… never have been able to do that with anything… everything is all connected, interwoven together, one… photography has always been an extension of me, of how I see and view the life/world around me, of what in it catches my eye, interests me… or, how I artistically, creatively want to express that which I do.
So, naturally, using my words to accompany the telling of photos began to happen more… to my writing more and more of things that didn’t relate to my photos, or photography at all… in essence, my webpages becoming the surrogate to my handwritten journals.
To, the creation of This Life’s Journey here, where it was instilled right from the get-go, writing, was going to be a major component of the site, as I chose to openly want to share it all, honestly, uncensored, no-holds barred, whether it makes me look good or bad – it would be me, it would be what I was experiencing, going through, feeling, thinking, the whole kit and caboodle of just laying it all out there.
The reason I wanted to write and do the Journal section here, was solely for the intent of wanting to connect to, and with, others… other fellow travelers within their own personal journeys… that there may be a possible sharing of experiences, ideas, thoughts, whatever, from one to the other, that we all could be able to pull from and apply to our own journeys. I’m always wanting to be/do something more than me, outside of me, to do, and be of something good, positive for and to others.
I cannot be any less, or other than who I am, and that is someone who is, to a fault, completely honest, an open book, and totally who I am, always and forever… I can’t be anything other than who it is I am… and it is that, that for so long, have been wanting to give, share, with someone else.
And so, perhaps grandiose in nature, is why I made public this personal journey. Though, admittedly, the reason for my doing so, not entirely that altruistic in nature, in my hoping to be of help to others… but, equally (if, honestly, not more), my recognizing that I am at a point where I will take any and all kind of help, myself, in return, in the hopeful sharing from others, of their experience, ideas, thoughts!
First and foremost though, this journey, has from the get-go, been a continuation of the lifelong personal journey of mine… of hopefully trying to discover, remember, what and why it was I chose to come here… what and why it is I am to be, and do. To see if I could see if there was a way for me, being who it is I am, be able to exist in this here life/world, being the way that it is. That’s it. That’s the it and all of it. Something that is personal, that I again just chose to do publicly via this site, because, well, I am me.
To which it is why I wrote all of the above, of my handwritten journal days, and my subsequent ceasing to write in them… for as now, those thoughts have been, for awhile, arisen again in continuing the website here, and my more and more thinking that it’s time to pull the plug, and allow This Life’s Journey to go black.
Reasons being, my finding that more and more, the entries have lacked anything of merit, progress, anything worthwhile, and consisting more of me just whiny-ass bitching in frustration because of… the same reason that led me to tire of writing the same ol’ same ol’ in my handwritten journals. You don’t seem to be accomplishing anything, Jeffrey, and frankly, by the note of the last entry or two, sounds like you’re just settled on “re-immersing” yourself back into society, back where it all started from, and once back, just trying to find something along the lines of what you were doing before… circling right the fuck back to where you started, in no different place.
Is that so? The, just shy of nine months now, have all been in vain, and you feel you have not gained or learned anything?!
And in my clouded over by frustration of having not achieved what it is I thought I would, I have concluded that the answer to that question, was – no. No, I have not. So, just best to try and come up with some big time major attitude adjustment towards selling my soul to just some other money-job, because, well, it seems that’s what I am settling to do, apparently, and this here journey o’ your’s is done. I have failed.
March 30th, 2017
Been trying to write this Journal entry for a couple weeks now… as noted above, I got myself to start something with it, at least, but then just abandoned and bailed on it. Days have passed, and have done something that has awakened me and my spirit, so now let me continue on …
This Life’s Journey will be going black.
As I wrote a few days ago, the reason I stopped writing in my handwritten journals, well over a decade ago now, was because I had grown tired of me, writing of the same ol’ thing over and over… which was just essentially pretty much what it has become on here, nothing but me wailing over the state of things, or the lack thereof of anything worthwhile, meaningful, etc.
There just comes a point when enough is enough.
That is not the only reason though I will be shutting off the lights here at TLJ… I need to free myself of it, it’s distraction that I have made it be to me… as I still got a lot I need to figure out and work on, concentrate, focus on the task at hand, instead of me, making on here, that I have any semblance of having done so.
I need to begin (yes begin, start – which after nearly nine months of having been on this here journey o’ mine, is a pretty bad fact to have to state) getting to the heart and bones of what I started this all for.
Which, as a reminder (to me too), is my figuring out the who, what, when, where, and why of me, my existence, my purpose, my reason for being, that I made for myself here in this here life/world.
And, I don’t know… maybe I have gone into it wrong, just as I have done my entire adult life – by trying to figure out how so, within the confines of this here life/world. It’s that small, narrow view box, that I need to think outside of.
I have optimistically hinted that the lifelong cage I have imprisoned myself in, where the key to freedom from, is, and has been, in the cell with me the whole entire time… that with this journey, I had finally unlocked the door to it, now just a matter of sprinting from it at full speed.
I don’t think I really have unlocked that cage door though. Or, if I have, I just immediately constructed another one right outside it… Point being, I got to get my mind to thinking outside of the box/cage… that perhaps too, I may have unlocked, but like a turtle’s shell, just continually carry on my back, unable to shake it’s confinement… in thought, thinking, action…
If nothing else, what has solidified even more from being on this here journey o’ mine (which I really can’t believe somehow can become even more so!), is that I am done with money. I honestly don’t think I can ever do anything for it ever again. Proof in that, being my current state of affairs these past couple months, where I would sooner go without, eating, food, sustenance… that what left I do have, after having given away all the rest, those remaining meager possessions, I would rather too just sell off to provide me money, than actually go out and do something just to attain the worthless pieces of shit meaningless crap paper. I really honestly think I have finally went too far passed the point of return, that it’s just not ever goin’ to happen again.
Which, does help in again, the whole raison d’être of this here journey o’ mine – to find out a way for me to exist outside of doing so by, and for, money. And hence, what led to my more morbid sentiments last month, thinking that it can’t be done, and thus will be parting this here existence. But, of course, it can be done, because countless humans do so now in certain parts of the globe, society, free from the Capitalist, bowing to the god of money, society that I have only known here in the good ol’ US of A.
Anyway… I had been letting on (both to you and myself), that inevitably I was going to have to succumb to “re-immersing myself back into society”, and have to “find some job”, and getting back to the creature comforts of having a home, food to eat, a bed to sleep in, a nice comfy chair/couch, so as to relax and watch something on the TV, plants/garden to again care for and tend to… and that was what I was just slowly heading back to the area of the home of my youth to just do…
You know what though – it’s not gonna happen. I’m not doing it. I’m not going to do it. I’ve only just begun this here journey o’ mine, and have been pissing around these past nearly nine months with doing it! Okay, not so… because it has led me to here, to now, this resolution… life is a series of steps, sometimes small, sometimes big, sometimes fast, sometimes an imperceptible crawl, but steps forward just the same.
Right now, for the past month, I have been living by selling whatever something left of mine of any monetary value, to the next sale of whatever something left of mine with any monetary value… in between going without, not eating until I do. And as I have also written, that the inevitable is going to come, where I end up with nothing left to sell in order to further my continued existence… which naturally led to the notion that I was just going to have to bite the bullet and grab myself yet another job in a long string of them. Or, perish.
Well, I ain’t lookin’ to do neither, so, I best get crackin’ to thinkin’ outside the box and figurin’ a way for me to do so.
Want to know the good part though? How I have been in this past few weeks of silence on here? How has my mood, manner, attitude been? Pretty damn good! As I wrote last time, with the beginning of it stemming from those morbid thoughts of my time possibly going to be comin’ down the pike soon, and my resulting answer to that being – okay, so then – fuck it! If I’m gonna be goin’ out, well, I’m gonna go out doin’ and seein’ what it is I want! And from that, it has just evolved to an even more resolute position, of – FUCK IT! I am me. This is who I am. This is what I believe, this is what I feel, and I am not gonna be any less, and not gonna do that which, to me, is not right.
For if I am gonna go, as well as my doin’ so goin’ and seein’ what I want, I am also goin’ to go out with me being me! Even after I leave this here life/world, I’ll have to live with me, and look at myself in the proverbial mirror, and I want to be able to do so.
I’m not afraid. In fact, honest to goodness – I am happy. I almost have a sense of peace about me. A calmness. Typing that just now, I had to shake my head – wait, Jeff – isn’t that what deep down you’ve said you’ve been searching for, hoping to find, attain, have? Peace. Contentment. Happiness. ? Well, I think I may very well be on my way there.
Which is another thing, that I have realized as of late, and have been kicking myself over, that those who have actually been following this here journey o’ mine, have said and commented to me to do, but that I have just dismissed entirely too easily: that I am doing this, I am free, I can go and do whatever I want (well, so can any of us at any given time)… so, to enjoy it!
And I haven’t. Not since day one have I. Because I haven’t allowed myself to. I never framed this here journey o’ mine as a “fun” thing for me to be doing. From day one, it has been looked at as work. I have no time for fun. I am on a mission. And like I have throughout my entire frickin’ adult life, when I am doing something, I do so with all earnestness, head down, plowing forward full steam ahead, with nary a look up. I got serious shit to do. This is heavy, man… I’m trying to figure it all out… this late in the game… no time to dick around, and “enjoy myself”. It’s go time.
Thus, why that revelation / almost epiphany of the ol’ – ‘Life is not about the destination, but the journey’, hit me so back at The Slabs… Jeff, you total utter fuck head! You have had all this time on this here journey o’ yours, been to all these places, and you didn’t once really take to time to enjoy it! To savor in it. You stupid, dumb cow patty!
So, another reason I have also done the things I have done this past month or so… just goin’ to places to just go to places, to see it, be there.
So, yeah… I still don’t know what I am gonna do, where I am gonna go, all that ever so fun to think about stuff… but, will just live that now when it comes. Right now, I am fine. I am hungry, but you know what – I am here. I am still here, and I am fine.
Short (unknown/non-existing future) term, is to still slowly make it back to the area of the home of my youth… except, what I was settling on what it was I was goin’ to end up doin’ back there when I got there – callin’ it an end to ‘part three’, and this here journey o’ mine, and settlin’ myself down again and findin’ some blah whatever job – is not gonna happen now. I don’t know how, I don’t know where, what, etc… but, this life’s journey is not over… and somehow, some way, I will disembark back on the road to – ???
As for the site here, will I ever switch the lights back on? Well, as they say, “once you go black, you never go back” Kidding. That was a joke (see, I am okay, I still got my sense of humor and am in good spirits). I don’t know. If I do, it will be a lot less updated than has been, which really hasn’t been a lot to start with anyway… Then again, who knows… maybe with my more and more breaking these chains about me off, I may more and more come to experience, see, realize things more and more, to which I will have something to fill the pages of this site with.
Done though (at least I sure as hell hope!), will be the little whiny-ass bitch fests of frustration… which, even though I contested otherwise them being, and them being more my just matter-of-factly stating what it is I am going through… yeah, they still were frustrations laced with whiny-ass bitchiness… even though I know, and would state right along side with my doing so, that it would be ridiculous for me to be doing so, because I am the one who has, and is, making my life, the choices, the reason everything in my life is so… but, yet in the same breath, would continue on with the whiny-ass bitching!
[just sitting here shaking my head] Small steps.
I do want to say this though before I go, and I do say it with deepest sincerity and appreciation –
To those of you who have followed me on this here journey o’ mine, by checking in with things on the site here… and not only that, but also reading the tripe that I would endlessly babble on about… and not only that! but, also participate, in sharing your thoughts, and engaging in conversation with me… as I have made a point of doing so throughout when you have, let me just again, and say so with much appreciation, and heartfelt warmth – thank you.
It, you, have really helped me a lot. You know who you are, as you are the only ones on here, so…
Which I guess, goes back to the site here… and my taking it down… how, you might argue for me not to… and how I have been deaf to your reasons for me doing so, or for continuing on in and with this here journey o’ mine – that you actually (to my complete disbelief!) have taken to my doing so, and of reading my tales…
As I’ve said from the beginning, before I even left in those days leading up to taking off – people going all ape-shit with me doing this, thinking it is sooo cool and great that I am doing this, that they all wish they could do… blah, blah, blah, etc., etc., etc…. And I always almost fought back, that I just didn’t get it… for as I said above, I never went into this as a thing other than a last grasp, ditch effort thing of trying to figure out what the fuck to do with me, with my life… fun, was never in the equation, just straight flat out work of trying to figure it all out. And that’s it. But, you have helped me to see the error of my ways. And like I said, now I kick myself that I am now almost nine months in, and hardly a day of it did I allow myself to enjoy what it is I am doing.
This journey has been a personal one, I have stated that since the beginning… even though, I decided to do this personal journey publicly for the whole world wide web to see! That I was going to be me, in that it was going to be me being totally honest, open, with everything, the good and bad… with it again being mostly the latter, and it reflecting upon me… full, uncensored disclosure… All part of the process.
And I guess, I just also, alongside thanking you all, also apologize to you as well. Apologize that you actually may be somehow getting something out of my nonsensical ramblings… that you may find some worth out of all of this… to which I have always retorted that I did not know what, since even I seemingly wasn’t getting anything, myself, out of all of it! So, what/how the hell good could any of this be of any help, importance to others/you?! Even though that is why in the first place I did decide to do this all publicly for the whole goddamn world wide web to see (well, it’s out there at least for them to), as I want to be of something to others… that what I am going through, may be something in there that others may find a little nugget of something that they can apply and use in their lives. To again, I counter with I don’t what the hell that could and would be though, but…
I guess it could also stem from a lifelong duel with personal demons of feelings of no self-esteem, self-worth, of not seeing worth in me, let alone what I am doing… as well again, as my having not seen my making any progress, or able to share anything of value from this journey, for feeling my having not really attained any myself… so, if I am not, and I am the one who is out here doing this all, then must sure as hell not be doing so for others neither.
So, TLJ going dark, maybe possibly kinda sorta be something (unbelievably) that may not want to have happen, by you all… ? And to which I apologize if so…
I don’t know. Will see. If I do continue, it will be more of these journal – Journal pieces, and definitely no more Daily Notebook, or Notebook, or psuedo-notebook/journal’ish update like entries… but, more the deeper, introspective ones, where (hopefully) I have something more meaningful, constructive, of value and worth, to say.
Also, I have pretty much concluded, a book will be also forthcoming. Titled also, This Life’s Journey, it will just be a photo book, of the severely edited down from what it is I post on here, of the best photos taken while on this here journey o’ mine, interspersed with a much more concise, clearheaded, coherent summary of the writings I have made, just cleaned up… not in a sanitized way, to make it look as if I was like this wise sage where it all just came to me, and not showing the entire most of it really being – the bad, frustration laden, totally missing the point, parts of it… but still all of it – the good and bad… just, summed up better and put into a narrative to accompany the photos.
Okay, so well anyway…
April 3rd, 2017
1 – the action of moving across or over something
2 – a level of existence, thought, or development
My goodness! I’m gonna finish this bloody Journal entry if kills me!
Whenever I started this entry, I titled it ‘Going Dark’, without the question mark, as I was pretty much set on shutting down the whole operation. After part two’s addition to the entry, done a couple days later, even though I sounded more resolute at the beginning of it, to TLJ going dark, afterwards I went back and added the question mark in parentheses to it, as I began to consider walking back from the notion of doing so.
Throughout, a couple things had transpired, and a lot of stuff I additionally needed to toss around in my ol’ noodle, that I just had to keep hashing out, think upon further.
The couple of things that have transpired? Well, both actually revolve around the same gentleman – Richard Bach.
Richard, whom I have every once in awhile mentioned in my web writings, is an author I have been familiar with since my youth, since his Jonathan Livingston Seagull story. A dozen or so years later / about a quarter century ago, I dove further into his writings – Illusions: The Adventures Of A Reluctant Messiah; There is No Such Place As Far Away; The Bridge Across Forever; One; and lastly, Running From Safety.
When I read all those books, it was like coming home. I remembered, here was a man writing of things that I, also deep down believed, felt, thought, known. This was also round the time I had been questioning the whole Catholic indoctrination I had been brought up in my entire life, and had been slowly moving away from, and ultimately (on my own, mind you), altogether abandoning. During that time, so many questions was I then tackling about existence, self, life, in the abandonment of the Judeo-Christian tenets of my upbringing… and the more and more I read of Richard’s work, the more and more it just – sounded like home! Sounded more and more of the truth that I had deep down had always personally believed, felt, known, understood. I remember reading those later books, and tears forming in my eyes, as – Yes! That’s it! That’s what I have always felt and known, deep down within me… and here is this man writing about similar such things!
And thus, did I solidify the personal spiritual belief/knowing/system that I have had ever since. That this life/world is not all there is. Life is more. We are more. Life, we – are endless, infinite, and we are the embodiment of Love.
That’s it. Nothing cult’ish. No special ceremonies, pomp and circumstance, no churches/temples/whatever, gods/apostles/saints/whatever… I don’t consider Richard some kind of god, or leader to me in any way, with whom I follow in any sort of way… we just share the same innate knowing of who it is that we truly are. And that is, that we are creatures of love, who infinitely live, to infinitely love.
And for the past quarter plus century, I have just simply lived my life the best that I know how, trying to be the best me, while all the while trying to figure out my place in this here life/world… what to be and do. I don’t proselytize, and try to convert others to what it is I believe, for I believe that they already do themselves, they, as I, are already perfect… but, they themselves, just as I myself, have chosen, to come into this thought form of a limited existence, for whatever personal reason that it is we have chosen for ourselves.
In discussion, to clarify, or to answer questions that may delve deeper into my personal philosophy, then yes, I talk about it, and even suggest the person to go check out Richard’s books, as he expresses it far better than I ever could, just as a better way to illustrate for the other party, where it is I am coming from… and again, not to draw them “back into the fold”, as it were, like man-made religions of this life/world try to do. I could care less what others believe, it matters not to me in any way, shape, or form… and respect whatever belief, faith, anybody personally chooses to do. This is just what I personally do, and that’s it.
Anyway… point to bringing up Richard – Those books I listed above of his, were the last of his books that I have read… even though I quite frequently revisited them and read them again from time to time, to help remind me. As I usually mention, on this here journey o’ mine, the places that are a constant that I visit, as for any homeless person, is the local public library of whatever town I am in… and sometimes, I don’t know why really, I check out their ‘B’ section, to see what books they may have of Richard’s. Usually it’s the usual – ‘Jonathan’, and that’s it… sometimes, maybe ‘Illusions’ also… in the larger city libraries, maybe one or two of his older ones… in the smaller towns, none of his books at all… Well, here where I currently am still, Twin Falls, Idaho, they had ‘Jonathan’ (of course), but also two that I had yet to read, as they were after the last I had read of his, Running From Safety.
So, after all these years of having not read any of Richard’s books, and a couple years or more since I had even reread those above five books of his that I own… and during this somewhat tumultuous spiritual period I was having as of late, where I was questioning my own position on things, and if I had been steering my own self astray with them… was curious, and wanting to see and read of his writings, to see if they still held up to me.
Let’s just say that they did. And many times while reading them, honest to goodness, I was a grown man sitting in my little corner here of the library, needing to dry my eyes for tears.
Home. That’s really the best way I can say it – it’s like coming home. Where I again am embraced in that which I know for myself to be true. And that again, is just simply that we are more. Who and what we are is more than the sum of our parts here in this currently perceived life/world that we choose to be in. That we are the creators, captains, makers of the life we are living. That our life is ours to own, and make be whatever we would like and want it to be. That, in all it’s simplicity, is it.
Reading Richard’s works again, just made me remember why it is I am who I am, what it is I set out on this journey for – was me, living by my highest right, of, and in, what I honestly believe to be true, and right, and trying my best to live my life in that manner… looking to explore, grow, learn, understand… be the best me that I can be. That’s it.
For awhile now, I have written that I feel I needed a spark, a fire lit under my ass, to again inspire me, fire and drive me, both artistically/creatively, and in my life personally… and Richard has done so for me (again) through his writings. Part two of Going Dark’s entries above, was after I had finished both of these newer books (which were, Out Of My Mind, and Curious Lives, by the way, since I have yet to mention them), and clarity, focus was once again a presence to me with things… and why that entry stopped there…
I discovered Richard has himself a site, I visited it, and it has a Contact section, to which I just felt like, out of courtesy, would just share with him, pretty much what I said above (I think, I don’t have the slightest idea now to what it was I said to him), of how it was his writings had affected me, and thanks for them.
Well, lo’ and behold, that night, just as I was going to turn off my phone to call it a night, I see there is an email in my Inbox, with Richard Bach being the sender. Yeah, right! Well, yeah right it was, for it was this man, this man, the writer of the book, Jonathan Livingston Seagull, that I have known since my youth, whose other, above listed writings, helped and inspired me so… yeah – this man had written a reply to – me. me!
I didn’t get to sleep until like four or five the following morning. Mostly because, until three that morning, I replied and wrote back (on my iPhone nonetheless!) incredulously to Richard frickin’ Bach! (which is how I addressed him too throughout the email… because, well – it was Richard frickin’ Bach! that I was doing it to!)… in the email reply back, I, in shock, just played it off him having written to me, as my being in some kind of fanciful dream… and afterwards, I just lay there in my makeshift bed, in my van, in a WalMart parking lot, and just carried on the conversation with him in my head (not the first time in my life I had done that)… still in a state of shock over it all… even, noting that the date was now April 1st, thinking that it was some April Fool’s Day prank being played on me.
Then, later that same day, I got another reply from Richard to the reply I sent him.
Okay… now, you’re just fuckin’ with me! There is no way that Richard frickin’ Bach! is like personally emailing me! And now thinking that it’s like a bunch of secretaries in New York City or something, who receive his correspondence and reply back using Richard Bach’isms within it, and sending them back out to the senders.
I, of course, know that is not the case, and that Richard has kindly himself, written to me… I just still cannot believe it… and am in a more deep state of shock than the first one already had me in. That second reply of his is still sitting, un-replied to, in my Inbox… It’s just too much to wrap my head around, let alone to reply back again to him… and the funny side of me in the back of my mind, humorously pictures Richard checking his email Inbox for my reply, and continually not seeing one there, and questioning aloud why that not is! Has he forgotten that I am Richard frickin’ Bach!?!
Anyway… that is what, the last couple days since, at least, has kept me from finishing this entry… as just, my mind has been on overload… not only with just what I am, and have been trying to suss out for and with myself, with what I am to do with me… but now, throw in this whole Richard frickin’ Bach! thing in!
Back to it though, and what and where I am now…
This Life’s Journey is going to stay live. I, am just going to be better disciplined in my attitude, my thinking, my writing, to only put up content that is something that will possibly, a snowball’s chance on the dark side of the moon in hell, be considered of some value or worth to somebody happening by… and no more writing entries of whiny-ass bitching frustrations… lift thine self up, Jeffrey o’ boy.
And let me again just say this to the three of you who have very kindly followed me, and my site here – Paul, Richard, and Tim (the silent one on the site here, but corresponds through personal texts, phone calls to me) – thank you again, not only for doing so, but for all the support, advice, help, suggestions that you three have been to me, given to me… seriously where I am right now, with myself, with and in this journey, is also because of you three, honestly and truly… so – thank you!
So, what’s next?
Well, am still here in Twin Falls… thought I would have been gone today, as I thought I finally had sold the LED lights/studio kit I have been trying to do since Sacra-frickin’-mento!, especially since I have like already drastically reduced the price… but, this person whom I had thought was going to sell it to, is the second person now, after seeing it, feeling (and my agreeing) that a flash/strobe setup would be better suited for their intentions… and so, is still not sold… though I have another gentleman who says he is interested, so will see. Other than that, I also have put on the chopping block my 24mm lens, and my Goal Zero solar battery setup… the latter I also have a gentleman who says he is interested in it, and just also waiting to hear back again from.
If the Goal Zero sells, well then that’s it, I am good to make it all the way back home in May. As of yesterday day though, was the last of the food… and again, as of now, can tack on another day to my count of days I have now gone without eating, in my life (now 70, ten just on his journey, and the past two months)… and the week up to yesterday, was just a bowl of cereal and an apple fritter being my only meal of the day… but, it’s alright. I did six days in a row at The Slabs just before leaving… did three in a row prior to leaving Sacramento, I know I can get through whatever spell this will be, hungry, but just as fine and well.
Plus, of course, I don’t even have to go through this if I don’t want to! I could just walk down to a local pawn shop and sell an item or two… sure it would only be for literal pennies on the dollar, but at least I would walk out with some cold hard cash to use to buy and eat food… I choose instead to be disciplined and patient to selling them on my own, and getting the more money out of them that I can, to last me longer, so…
Which leads me back to me, and how and where I all am with things… I am good. I am me. I am back to being focused with clarity again once had, in who I am, what is I am looking to be and do, and am searching for, and am full steam ahead in continuing on with my journey. Not only the This Life’s Journey, that the site here is dedicated to… but, also my Life’s journey, Life as a whole, that I have been on infinitely.
Everything around me, that I have, that I do, is all because I chose it to be. I made this life for me. I made it, because that is who I am, someone who relishes in exploring, growing, learning, and in trying to be the best me that I can be. That’s it. That’s all I need to worry about and focus on. This life/world, is just all part of the creation, challenge of my doing so, and to see it as so.
So, no longer will I make Life out to be as a foe to me, that I have to spit in the face of… for Life is not trying to get rid of me, trying to hold me back, make me less than who it is I am… but quite the contrary, Life wants the same as me – for me to be the best I can be, for me to be happy, for me to live and see, and explore and do all that it is that I dream and desire to do! So, no longer will I place Life in such an ill light.
I am Life. I create the life and world around me, with each and every choice and decision that I make. It is a creation of my own choosing. So, no longer will I allow myself, to get frustrated, and all whiny-ass bitching frustrated over it… but, will instead, give myself a little slap on the head and remember that I chose this for me, and at any time I can change any, and every aspect of it that I choose, to anything else that I choose and want… so, to put up, and shut up.
And also, that I am going to start enjoying Life! I have chosen to free myself from the day to day, 9 to 5 grind, and instead just wander this flippin’ life/world like the gypsy nomadic transient bum that I am! And this life/world, is a beautiful and remarkable place with endless possibilities and things to check and see, visit! So, do so, Jeffrey, and take them in and enjoy them! Look up for once in your life, to the life and world around you, your surroundings and take them in and enjoy them! Live Life! Don’t just plow through it!
So, that is what I am gonna work on trying to do.
Still am planning on heading back to the area of the home of my youth… arriving back sometime in early May, staying for – ? I don’t know. And don’t know how, where, what, I will do from there… I just know that it is not going to be what I was reluctantly setting myself up to do when I did get back there, and just relent… this is me, this is my life, and I am going to make of it as I choose, and continue to live it to my highest right in looking to pursue that which is true and right, to and for me. So, that’s all I need to know, and let that compass continue to direct me forward and towards wherever it does, when I need it to do so.
The site here will continue, so as to share and maybe be a source of something to whoever may choose to visit it and read of my journey… and perhaps maybe help them along in and with their own… I would hope so, and that would make me glad and happy. Be it only three, or three million who do, just the same to me… as again, this is a personal journey that I am on, and I am just gonna share what it is I come to discover, grow, learn, and publicly leave it here either way, for anyone who themselves may be searching and exploring themselves, and happen upon. I welcome them.
Okay, I think this entry now qualifies for being long enough!
To all of you who do visit, are here, and have actually read this, as always, you know my deepest, heartfelt thank you, in your doing so… and how I also wish nothing but the best for you in and with your life and journeys.
All the best to you, my fellow journeyers, travelers, and friends! Here’s to Life! Let’s live it and make it the best we can make it for ourselves, and for those around us! Happy travels!
Peace, love, and respect.