March 23rd, 2017

Sixteen

Hard to believe, in a sorta not kinda way, that it’s been four years since Li’l Girl, my cat, that I had since she was weaned, and her tiny little fluff ball self could fit in the palm of my hand, done left this here life/world as I held her in my arms.

That lead-in photo above was taken on her 16th birthday, while we were still in Omaha, before my up and leaving for Wyoming, and since she was my cat, had to go with me.

Ever since making that move, her upteenth millionth she would have to make with me, to Wyoming in the Autumn of 2012, she just wasn’t right afterwards… so much so that I thought I was going to lose her by that year’s end.  But, she held on, and was doing alright, until March rolled around, and her health just started deteriorating…

I don’t know what it was that was ailing her… she had loss of appetite… and the last month or so, she couldn’t control her pottying, or, just wouldn’t use her cat box when she needed to go… and because I am me, and my usual life, and was poor, I couldn’t afford to take her to a vet… and I would grow so angry and short with her, because of my inability to fully care for her… like, when she would do her business any and every where besides her cat box…  and to this day, I still have not, and probably will never, forgive myself for my failings being directed towards her, when she was obviously just not physically doing well, and unable to control what it was that I would get so upset about over!  She can’t help it, asshole!  You fucking idiot, who can’t even take care of her and do what needs to be done to possibly make her better!  So shut the fuck up, you pathetic fuckin’ loser, and direct that anger towards yourself, fuckin’ dickhead!!!  And ever since, I continue to be upset to the one that it deservedly needed to be directed to – me.

Ever since this day four years ago, I have said, and written, that she is far more better off, for being being rid of me, being free, and have been happy for her that she now was/is.

I, way more than once, not only with Li’l Girl, but also with my first cat, Kitty, would sternly question myself to what if this was not a cat, and your child, would you be the same asshole and direct your inability to care for them – towards them?!  Like it’s their fuckin’ fault that you are a fuck up and can’t provide fully for them?!

These past four years have been the first time, in over twenty-two years, where I have truly been alone, as those twenty-two years prior, I had a cat I came home to…  Not again, though.  Even though I would love to have another cat, I am not allowing myself to, until I deserve to allow myself to have one… and that ain’t anywhere near in the future… gonna be a long, long time before I forgive myself first, and second, am actually some form of a stable ass son of a bitchin’ mother fucker to provide them a stable home, and fully be able to take care of them in good and in bad times.  Not again.

And that’s her, six months, and six days after the above lead-in photo of her on her 16th anniversary of having entered this here life/world, about an hour after having done left this here life/world, all bundled up to be laid into the ground.

During the first part of this here journey o’ mine, I stopped by to visit her, and as I did on previous visits up there to her, I apologized to her for how I was towards her in her final days, and again reiterated that I am glad that she is now better off, especially in light that I was now living out of a van wandering the countryside.

Anyway…  Here’s to my gorgeous baby pussy cat, and to her being the awesome cat, companion, friend, that she was to me.  I miss you my flat-faced feline… but again, am so happy for you now, that you are free and rid of me, and in a better place that you deserve to be.  Love you, my gorgeous baby pussy ca-at.

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