September 4th, 2016

 

Don’t worry, this will not be like week three.  As I wrote in it, my hope that there would come a time, a few weeks down the line, when I would look back on that spell and smile… well, only took a few days.

Mostly the reason for me doing so quickly, was because of the responses I received.  Nothing against the comments, or commenters, just me forgetting that I am now doing something publicly, that I used to do privately.

Decades ago, I use to keep handwritten journals, into which I sometimes (okay, more than sometimes, back then) regaled the pages with such overdramatic ramblings, as to which my previous Three Weeks entry was, and it’s follow-up Daily Notebook entry, the next day, was also.

As I have written before, writing itself, has always been a cathartic thing for me… to get things outside of me, externalize them… and once I do, I was much better.  Thing is now, as I said, I am not doing that by handwriting them privately onto the blank pages of a paperbound journal, that only I will ever see… I have decided to now do so, publicly so that the whole world wide web can.

And of course, the kind people who take the time to not only visit my site, and follow what it is I do, let alone read the ramblings that I do, all are pretty much complete strangers to me, and they don’t know me, just as I don’t know them.  So, these kind people, felt to share their thoughts and suggestions, totally within the way of to be helpful to me, and in turn, I took that not at face value, but just led me to get even more testy…

So, bottom line, I am just going to be more discerning as to that it is I allow myself to honestly and openly share on here… mostly for the simple fact and reason as I don’t have the inclination and time to explain myself to people who don’t know me, each and every time I may be in a mood and need to vent, and choose to do so on the pages of my website.

As well as I also do need to keep my emotions in check better.  Though, as I wrote in follow-up comments, I don’t apologize for me getting caught up in legitimate concerns and worries that were stressing and weighing on me, and doing what I have just always personally done, and expelled those negativities into writing… as I believe I do have some leeway, in what and how my life now is.

Yes, I did choose, and do everything that I am doing, with a clear head and full heart, and knowing of the repercussions of doing all that I was, going into it, and daily, as I live it all daily… but, still does not erase the stressful and difficult moments of it all in my doing so… to which, I may naturally get overwhelmed , and just wee bit worked up because of.

Once I do my personal venting (publicly here on the site), I am fine, and back to me, and already having moved on, doing what it is I need to do to keep me moving forward… and once I do, all that bluster is history and way in the rearview mirror, to which I do not want to rehash it to total strangers who don’t know me, but out of the kindness of their hearts, tried to give me words of encouragement, suggestions and thoughts of things to do, for something I am already done past and over with… I just have better things to do, then to explain a momentary lapse of control, blah, blah, blah, I am already getting tired of just talking about this all.

So, point being – I just won’t any more.  This is a personal journey for me… I just felt for some reason to be me, and to honestly and openly share it with those who may kindly care to know of that of which it is I may be doing and going through on this journey… and as I stated in the very beginning – I was going to be me, totally and wholly, as I know no other way for me to be, and will be open and honest no matter if it makes me look good or bad… life isn’t pretty at times, and neither am I at times.  But, again, if it leads to misunderstandings and endless ongoing having to explain myself and things to others who know not of anything of me, my life, what it is I am doing, etc… again, I got better things to do, like the journey that I am on, which is taking up enough of me already to get and make it through each day.

Of course I will continue to share and write of my journey here, as this is the whole sole purpose of the site… just as I said, I will do you kind people who visit, the solid of not going into melodramatic star of the year award mode, and venting like I did last week at this time… I’m sure you’ll all live… and I’ll just, I don’t know – maybe just do my personal writing, but not then go and publish for the whole bloody world to see.  So, good for you!  And in a sense, I guess sorta good for me too, as it will make me look like this totally together dude who is just so strong and has his shit together, because no one ever sees me lose it and have things get to me… so, hey! 😉

Also, in that moderation vein… I too will cease to do the film Photo-A-Day things with my F4, as I am going to be stuck here in Casper until I am done replenishing myself financially, and there is really nothing of photographic merit to really photograph, I’m not going to waste a frame every day, just to take a photo.  Of course, if something does present itself to me, I will photograph it… but, am not going to do something, just to do something, and waste in the process.

Same, will be said of the Daily Notebook, as that will become more a now-and-then notebook, if and when there is a need for me to share something.

In closing, let me just again say to those who do visit here, and not only that, but take the kind time to also read what it is I may ramble on about – thank you!  I do appreciate and welcome your input, thoughts, suggestions, that you would like to share, whether I may like it or not!  That’s what I also want this site to be, and why I also made this all public in the first place – as I would like this to be a place where the discussion and sharing of experiences, may be shared, not only with me, but with other fellow journeyman and spiritual travelers.  So, please – don’t let what I have written in the past week, and/or above make you think otherwise, and dissuade you from doing so… the comments sections on my site are here for a reason, and I could turn them off any time, but of course, do not want to do that, so please utilize them and express and share away!  And once again – genuinely, and sincerely, thank you very much for not only visiting, but also sharing your ideas, thoughts, whatever… I am appreciative.

So, I really am good.  After last weeks personal meltdown, I feel more refocused, and strong with myself, and with and in this here insane journey o’ mine that I am just shy of being a month into, and look forward to it’s continuance, and my further growing personally in and with it all, and for it to yield the answers that I am searching for.

To all of you, I wish you the same on your journeys, and hope that you, and they are going well, and you are discovering, finding that of which that you are seeking.

All the best to you, and happy and safe travels to you, fellow journey’ers!

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  • PaulSeptember 5th, 2016 - 9:12 am

    In my comments I was trying to be helpful as you graciously suggest, but I regretted posting it as soon as I did.  I got too caught up in identifying with your journey, and failed to recognize that I’m not talking to a doppleganger, but to someone other than myself.  Apologies for that. Glad you’re doing well.ReplyCancel

    • JPHSeptember 5th, 2016 - 5:27 pm

      Absolutely no need to apologize, Paul… Like I wrote, after I got over my personal tizzie fit, and really even while I was in it, I recognized and knew your intentions were purely to be helpful and constructive, and I took them only as such, so thank you.

      Also why I made a point to write that I welcome any and all feedback, even if I may not like it… I don’t want a sunshine up my ass echo chamber hare, with only those agreeing and going along a hundred percent of what I say, feel, want… I am one who wants to grow and learn, and one cannot do that in an environment where that is not encouraged, where beliefs, thoughts, actions, are not challenged, and made to be reflected upon.

      I think what set me off with part of your remarks, was just how much it hit closer to home than I would have liked… And your thiughts just brought that to light and made me more upset with myself than anything else. And because of, why I wrote my Refocus Journal entry yesterday, to show that I look to personally, myself, not allow myself to put myself in that position in the first place, by keeping myself more in balance, and from tipping over into hysterics.

      Also, it led me to recognize an aspect of me that I really never do fully see come out in myself – that of my being so fiercely independent, that the mere suggestion of anybody thinking they know me, or my life, or what I should do in it, better than I do myself, well I come out swinging! I’m actually smiling now at my having done so. Easy, Jeff, heel, heel, boy!

      Which got me to also hoping that what I wrote in responses, didn’t squelch people leaving any future responses, as not knowing if what they do want to say, may be acceptable to me or not… Or set me off, and send me off on another tirade.

      All is good, Paul, thank you for your apologies and good thoughts, we’re cool… and I am glad I didn’t run you off, and hope to have your continued participation, which I welcome.

      All the best to you, and wishing you well too.ReplyCancel

  • stefan aka -r-September 7th, 2016 - 2:13 am

    I wondered what should I say. For few days, I, thought, I will not write any comment. However, I would like you to know that I am still here, and I think you are missing the opportunity. Not many people are able to do what you are doing. Being afraid of and being actually misunderstood and therefore keep it all this inside of you? Didn’t you do it for years? Didn’t you went on the road just for opposite reasons?

    Anyway, I am not going on by to hitting the bee nest. We will just like or dislike your images from now on. quote:

    “Friendship, is not based on nature, doesn’t have any goal and completely lies in search for soulmate, because we like to share our experiences, thoughts, feelings to sacrifice oneself for the friend. For this happiness, friendship needs to be fed by time of your unique life. For example by going for walk to Rozdestvenskij boulevard, going for a beer, even you like to drink something else. Go to birthday party of friend’s grandmother, read the same books, listen to the same music. That all, for creating of a small, closed and kind space, where jokes are understood from hints, exchange of views is done by looks and interaction between friends is so intimate that you can’t have it with person of opposite sex. With exception of some rare cases.”

    ReplyCancel

    • JPHSeptember 7th, 2016 - 7:41 pm

      As I said to Paul below, “Stefan” (what’s that all about, by the way? ), I know it kinda sounds like I was giving the impression of not wanting to receive any comments that may disagree with me, when in actuality, it is still just the complete opposite. So, sure, if all you want to do is comment on whether you like a photo or not, knock yourself out… but, I would sure miss out on your thoughts on anything else I may ramble about! Especially since you took the kind time to not only actually visit, but to also read what I wrote, I think you deserve the right to be able to do so! ReplyCancel