January 18th, 2017

Last week marked one month that I have been here at The Slabs… I had been plannin’ on staying here at least until the vernal equinox, Spring, when things then would start to heat up to it’s desert self, that I am not all too fond of.  But, do believe I am gonna duck out a month early and call it good.

I chose to come here, to just be able to stay at one location in order to do, and have nothing else to do, but to sort out what all I came on this journey for.  Yeah well, certainly have the nothing else to do part covered, aside from whatever distraction I can come up with

“Enslaved by our habits, we are all fucked.  Heroin, cigarettes, the coffee in your cup, illusions everywhere, we are all distracted.  Grasping and searching for something to make us happy.  Search no more, bliss is within, it’s your true nature.”

Found that laying upon the “bar” at The Range yesterday.

As I wrote not too long after arriving here, I didn’t need to seclude myself in order to get myself to think upon all that I was wanting to think about, as I already have done that practically every bloody day of my life for the past two plus decades.

Here, I have accomplished absolutely nothing, aside from testing my living off the grid capabilities, and for that, I can safely say that I am ready for the zombie apocalypse… or, a Trump Presidency.  Basically though, no progress, or any a-ha! epiphany moment as to anything meaningful or significant really.

Other than the fact that I just need to get the fuck over myself.  As I also wrote early on in my stay here at The Slabs, a part of me was wondering if I actually did all of this, in order for me to break me like a wild horse.

Did I succeed?  Am I broke?  Well, come two days from now, financially, yes, I will be broke, without a literal dime to my name.

Before my Thanksgiving refresh, I wrote that from the Casper crap, at least some good from it is that I would be good until the Spring… when I was saying that, I was also factoring in my tax refund being tacked on to the end of what I made in Casper to get me there…  Well, in my me being me, while I was back home for the refresh, I wanted to do, and did, things for my family, and did so just a little too generously, so that the funds I had, ran out more sooner than later, before I will receive my tax refund, which I always do as soon as I get my W-2’s, and usually have my refund back within the first couple weeks of February.

I don’t at all regret having done what I did for my family, I wanted to do it, and am glad that I was able to do it… again though, I just didn’t do the math well enough.

I only have two W-2s to wait on, and already have one, surprisingly just received tonight, from the Casper store I managed… now, just waiting on my Omaha job I had, before I left it to go on this here journey o’ mine.  Which would be convenient if I could also just as easily access it online, as I was my Casper one, but alas, it was the company that I worked for, being the company that I worked for, so.  The payroll person said she’ll kindly try to remember to scan it in and email it to me, when she’s done, before sending it off to my mother’s… and I take her word that she will.

However, there is another tax form that I have to wait on from them, that is being sent out by a third party, the same people that made my departure on this journey be later than planned last Summer, as I had to keep waiting on them to send me something, so that I then could… so, that has me vexed that they most likely won’t send it out until the time that they absolutely have to, at the end of January, which will in turn delay my completing my tax return, and receiving my tax refund.  For, as I say, until that refund arrives, I will be one broke puppy.  But, oh well, all part of it all… will take it in stride, do what I have to do, and get by.

When it does arrive though, very shortly thereafter, I will depart here from The Slabs.  I could then continue to stay here until the Spring as planned, but then that would just eat up part of that refund to do so, and for what?  Absolutely nothing.  So, need to put those funds to good use, and go somewhere where there is actual things.

Another reason why this stay here in The Slabs has been unproductive, is because of that – there is nothing here… just been me, and nothing else, which has ended up being counterintuitive, in that I am one who needs to seek, learn, and one way I do that, is by the wonderful world wide web, in being able to hop on it and be able to look up and research any information that I need to.  Without wifi access, and having used up almost the last of the data on my phone, I have really been out of touch, and unable to access anything in the outside world.

Really, just how much I have found that I am so tied to, and a lot of my productivity is, by being able to just look things up on this amazing internet thing, and have a world full of information, on any given subject, resource, right at my fingertips.  Hard to look up and find where to go to next, or what might be available somewhere, what options and possibilities might be if I choose to do this – when you’re off the grid.

So, back to civilization I need and want to go.  Also, I am just one who needs to be where things are.  Don’t get me wrong, I love the seclusion, and the being out in the middle of nowhere – every once in awhile… just not full time.  The rest of the time, I want to be surrounded by life, activities, people, things.

I am not dissin’ Slab City at all here… but, it is Slab City, it is what it is, and frankly, this might not be the last time I ever come here, and would come here again without hesitation in the future… but, I am not an official Slabber, I will never be a full time, year round resident… maybe just like I am doing now, snowbird here in the Winter for a month or two… though, frankly, not even that long, ‘cause why?  Doesn’t take too long here to have – ‘been there, done that’… again, not a knock against Slab City, it’s just not what it’s for… and that, that there is here, is totally awesome and great that those people created it for themselves, and each other here, it really is.

I just need and want more.  Ain’t that the story of my life.  Never sated, always got to have that which I do not already have.

So, back to the age old question with me then – then what, Jeff?  What are you going to do?  Where are you going to go?

I just can’t seem to live in the now.  The now is all there is, this very moment, and only this can I know for certain what to do in this moment.  The past is the past, and the future doesn’t exist… it’s just now.  So, I guess, I will just keep flying by the seat of my pants, and just living from now to now, doing whatever it is that I need to do now… and try to do so, so that each new now, I am alright with.  Just a steady, progressive crawl, I guess.

I don’t know.

Am I broke?  Have I been broken?  I don’t know.  No, not really.  Never.  Too late in the game.  Too much invested.  Too much of me, is me… can’t make me any less than I already am… if I were broke, to be broken, that would entail a chunk of me dying off, and I ain’t about to let that happen.

Though, have learned that there are some parts of me that I do need to lose, be gone, die off.  Like this life long, incessant feeling that if I just hold out, something, somewhere, sometime, will come along that will – ?  Haven’t you wasted enough of your life doing that, Jeff?  All because I don’t have the guts to do what it takes.

Which again, makes me laugh when people say, well, you sure got some balls and guts to have done what you’re doing now!  Really? Does it?  A part of me questions if this was just me being me so much, that to try and avoid doing whatever it takes, does extreme, counterproductive shit like this.  Instead of using all that I do on parlor tricks like this, put the energy, resources, time into something that will actually accomplish something, but just don’t have the guts to try and do!  Why?  Fear of failure.  So what do I do instead – just go straight to being a failure!  By never doing anything at all, except bullshit games!

I don’t know.

What I do know though, is also my life story – that I need to move on.  Move on from here.

After thinking about why the heck I did, I’ve been asking myself why it was I went off on my not being religious tangent, a couple entries back…  But, the reason I think I did, was just to illustrate to myself that the pure intent that I had in coming here to The Slabs, so as to seclude and sequester myself, to lead me to uninterrupted in-depth thought, was much akin to what I wanted to recapture, and had when I was in Phoenix a quarter century ago… where one of the breakthroughs accomplished and gained, was the major shift of belief from the religious one I was brought up in, to that which I continue to spiritually believe today.  That, that was the reason why I am here out in the middle of a desert now, to hopefully produce such a breakthrough here also.

Well, haven’t really.  Of course, it’s only been just over a month here, as compared to three years total in Phoenix.  And not to say, that I am bailing, in wanting to leave here… just feel that my moving forward, would be best served in an environment where I am able to be more accessible to the things that I do like, need, want.

So, no, I am not broke, broken… I never could be, or allow myself to be.  I just need to be better trained.  Trained to utilize the spirit that I do have, the abilities I do have, and learn to put them to good use, that will be of good use.

So, I just need to move forward.  Move on.  And come next month, whenever my tax refund arrives, I will do so.  Where to then?  I know not.  Will find out and see when that now arrives.

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