August 25th, 2016

I’ve always been drawn to photograph lone trees… poking out of an otherwise featureless landscape, this lone sentinel tree, it’s dutiful watch to oversee it all.

Naturally, I see the kinship between I and the tree… this great big world, and then, out in the middle of nowhere of it all, there we just – are… just present, there, existing… doing our thing, growing.  Just hoping for life passing by to catch sight of us out here, our existence be acknowledged.  Knowing what we have to offer, us, in our singularity, to those who would care to stop by, the meager cover, shade and shelter we would provide, from the harshness of the surrounding environment.  Doing so from our strength of being, despite where it is that we are…

Blah, blah, blah…  My how we (or, I guess I should just say – I), do love to romanticize our existence, presence! 😄

Anyway, the point being to this, is something I clearly have recognized and felt on this little ol’ here journey o’ mine… though, of course, has long been noticed and known the entirety of my life here… just, has again been brought more to the forefront recently…

Just the simple fact that I am alone.  And that I don’t want to be.

Recently, again realizing so, occurred at the Badlands, where I would be seeing the place with couples, young and old… those with a family… and here am I, alone.  Just this guy there by himself.  And who is getting around in this creeper van! 😳  Seriously, I really do feel awkward sometimes… I don’t know what it is about the van, but just some funny lookin’ older guy, traveling around in a van, even I have to admit is creepy!  Like who is going to be the next abduction victim to this guy?!

Anyway… seeing all these people together, experiencing this together, and me doing so by myself, has just been a bit of a downer.

Like, last Summer, when I domestically accompanied my niece, as she took a trip to Italy, I travelled with her to New York, as it was her first time flying, traveling alone.  It was a clear, distinct point in the trip, when she boarded her last flight across the pond to Italy, and the very next moment, it was like all the air was immediately taken out of my sails.  Was now like, “okay… guess, I’ll just, like… go do stuff now…”

Until then, even though it was mostly just flying, it was this shared experience, someone there to share it with, to talk about with, because we both were doing it and involved with it together.  Once she was now gone and on her way, just me, was then pretty much – yeah, so what’s the point?  And the things I continued to do and see in New York, were okay and nice, but only like one percent of how great and nice it would have been to done so sharing it all with her… or somebody, anybody else.

So, this little journey thing that I am doing, yes, it’s a personal one, but what it has again thrown front and center to the forefront, is that I don’t want to go through all of this, this life, this journey – alone.  I want to share it along with somebody, for us to experience and live it together.  While at Bear’s Lodge (Devil’s Tower), same thing, seeing all these non-alone people there taking it in…  Used to be, there was a long stretch in my life where I never not noticed couples, people together… but in recent years, seeing the writing on the wall, that it obviously just must not be in the cards for me… and since, really have been unnoticeable of such things.  This trip has brought it all back again.

I am not at all playing little violins, and at all soliciting ohhhhs, and ahhhhs of sympathy, that is not me… I am just honestly matter of factly stating something that is a fact with me and my life, whether been from external circumstances, and/or choice, I have been alone for as long as I can remember… always been just me.

It’s a personal issue in which I struggle to overcome to this day, in how it is I am with other people, my personal interactions, how I involve, or don’t involve people in my life, because I am just not accustom to doing so… and naturally just think no one else wants to be involved with me, so I, on my part, don’t even think twice about doing things with others.  And I feel sometimes that comes across as me being aloof, as if I am above them all, or others, which is funny, when it’s very much quite the opposite.

Before FINALLY embarking on this insanity, I spent a day or two with “friends”, and honestly, I didn’t know how to be, as they were making such a fuss over what I was doing, what they thought of me doing such a thing (actually positive), and as I told one of them, I honest to god just did not know how to act and respond, and would just stand or sit there with my head lowered not saying a thing, because of – what the fuck is all of this?!  Cannot compute … error, error.

Well, for one thing, I have never liked being the center of attention, and/or having a big fuss made over… so, that was part of it… but the rest, was just not being used to people being so generous and kind to me.  And the one I spoke of this to, simply said to me – “it’s called having friends.”

Yeah, I’ve never had too many of them.  And those that I may have had, I’ll be honest, most likely lost on my part, from either it stemming from my being a fuckin’ gypsy nomad who is never in one place for any long period of time… actually I think that is a big part of it…  And/or, again my just not accustomed to having them, other people in my life… I just naturally do things alone, by myself, and don’t even think to include others, and again, don’t think that any one else would want to include me (another big part) … again I know this sounds so oh-my-god-fuckin’-shut-up! pathetic… but, just a simple matter of how I naturally feel, do, think.

I have written of this before, whether it is currently up on this site, I care not to go investigate… but, despite what I have said, of having, as a matter of fact, been alone most of my life, even in my teens, one of the things that has been a life dream, goal of mine, was to be, and have a family.

In my late teens, I laid out my future thusly:  In my twenties, I was going to do all the things that I wanted to do – travel, write, make movies, etc., “get that all out of my system” (that’s how I wrote it in my handwritten journals I used to keep at the time), so that come my thirties, I would settle down, and the rest of my life would revolve around being, having, raising a family.  I have always been very paternalistic… no doubt, that being a matter of the apple not falling far from the tree with my father, and my maternalistic mother as well… where our desire to care, love, and be there for others, is such a strong part of our nature and who we are.

I say that, because, in this long round-about rambling-babbling way that I am doing here, gets back to what, and why it is, I am doing this insanity journey thing – to try and figure and find out what it is I am to be, do… and the whole seeing couples and families at this nation’s national parks, painfully knocking me up the side of the head with one of the things being – that I don’t want to be alone.  To live my life alone.  That I want someone in my life to share life with.

For as I continually am shown in life, it all isn’t as great and grand experiencing, as it would be, and is, when experiencing and sharing it all the while with someone else.  That life is to be lived, but not lived alone.

Yeah.  Okay.  I’ll just go right out and fix that now! 😜  Hey, babe – I’m a poor, unemployed forty-somethin’ year old, with no idea what to do with himself, wandering the fuckin’ earth living out of a van… how you doin’? 😉

Yeah, if only!  [Side note: I always thought that actresses delivery was just spot on perfect and hilarious! 😆👍🏼👌🏼]

Okay, so well anyway…

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  • PaulAugust 26th, 2016 - 10:05 am

    I can relate to all of what you are saying.  I’ve never been very successful on the friend front either, for many reasons, but partly because of being so self-absorbed and of also, deep down, not really thinking anyone wants to do shit with me anyway. 🙂  From time to time this lack of real friendships has bothered me… but, then, I have a great girlfriend who inexplicably continues to want to be with me. Without her, I would probably feel much the same way you do. 🙂
    Part of the reason that I’ve begun following your blog is that it’s obvious we are very much alike, and I can relate to the stuff you are going through and talking about. I think we are also the same age. And we’ve both been approaching a sort of day of reckoning for a long, long time; and we’ve both reached it at approximately the same time.  (As well, after this post, I’m thinking you are probably an INFP personality type, which I am) (See, for example, https://www.16personalities.com/infp-personality)
    In my case, I’ve been in the process of considering how I want to go forward with the rest of my life, and the whole lack of true friends thing has been a part of my considerations.  Do I want to make the effort to improve this area of my life, will this make me happier?  In the end, I’ve decided that, no, this is not what is most important to me to achieve, so I’ll focus my energy elsewhere where I feel I’ll get the most satisfaction.
    I guess if the most important need for you right now is to no longer be alone, but to share your life with someone else, you need to devise a real plan to get there, which would require changing your approach and behaviours toward other people, even though it would feel unnatural and forced for a while. i.e. including others in your plans, inserting yourself in their lives and making a sustained effort at keeping the friendship alive.  This can be tremendously uncomfortable for a personality such as yours and it’ll feel unnatural. It’s related to the whole center of attention thing. It’s just really uncomfortable and awkward. 
    Anyway, just my opinion 🙂ReplyCancel

    • JPHAugust 26th, 2016 - 4:45 pm

      Yeah, I look at my nieces, or people I know, who are like on Facebook or something, or even on Twitter which I am on, who have half a trillion “friends” or followers, or even in life who have like their posse, or gang of friends… I don’t want to break a record with the amount of people I would call and/or consider “friends”, I would just be content with a good, true one or two, couple of friends, and that would suffice for me. And in my life, I can think of only really one, who I really would consider having been a friend… but, that is shot, as it was three locations ago that I have lived, when we last were a part of each other’s lives, and regularly saw and did things together.

      Heck, I would even say screw one or two friends to just have what you have and a woman in my life… that’s really all I would care about, want, or need… if I could find her – who cares about having anybody else in my life! Not that I would be so smothering and 24/7 it would always have to be us two and no body else, well, no, that’s not me… just sayin’, if that one good, true friend, could also be housed in the female form, where physical intimacy, and a deeper relationship was also had… – yeah, I’d be golden!

      And what I was speaking of above in this Journal entry, was solely female companionship, and not just some friend(s)… because frankly, my answer to that would be that I am good, and don’t really personally need or want just some friendship… I’m a ‘more’ fella, deeper than just some friendship, in the basic companionship sense, someone to do stuff with… with that I am good… but, if someone more to … You know, I don’t know… I am the last person to speak of friends and friendship, since I can count on one hand how many I may have had in my life, and still have plenty of fingers left!

      Just, if I understood you correctly, agree that garnering friends would not make me or my life happier, per se… than again, I really don’t know, as having never really been on the other side.

      The gent from who I became acquainted with you via, Richard, I would dare to consider a friend (he has kindly referred to me as being one to him), even though we have never met, or talked, outside of written/typed correspondence, be it through comments left on each other’s sites, and or emails to each other… I do wish that he and I were not on the other side of the planet from each other, as I feel that we both would truly consider each other friendship material… X-D that sounds like it is the same as saying “sponge worthy”! But, honestly would with Richard. Jacco too.

      And yes, further hearing from, and communicating with you, Paul, you also… Which goes again to put another check in the column for Richard, for it was through him that I got introduced to Jacco and you!

      And you would be correct, I went and did that little personality test thing, and I too am a INFP -A type. I always take those test things with a grain of salt, and do this one also… though I would say it is pretty accurate and spot on for a good 80-90% of describing who I am, the other percentile was like – “well, that ain’t true… well, no, that couldn’t be farther from the truth… uh, yeah – no, that ain’t me…” but, as it is just some random online test thing, of course naturally it’s not going to know me. But, I did take interest and look for nuggets of truth and insight, which I did find.

      Anyway, to go towards your advice to me in your last paragraph… think what I will try to do is see if can re-establish those friendships that I may have once had… they were back out here in Wyoming and down in Colorado… and again our possible friendships having fallen apart, I totally take full responsibility for… in that I just gave up on them, because I was no longer there, in the same area, and why continue this long distance like relationship/friendship… again stemming back tot he fact that I am a ‘more’ person – how can we truly continue to stay and be friends, when all it is, is just through correspondence, or whatnot? And so, I just dumped them, pretty much, personally feeling it, and in a cold essence – they, were just not worth the effort.

      So, maybe on this journey, perhaps get down to reconnect, and make amends with those friends I may have once had.ReplyCancel

      • PaulAugust 26th, 2016 - 9:24 pm

        Yeah, personality typologies can never be perfect descriptors  because humans are pretty complex, and so many other factors go into defining our personalities and behaviours.  But I called your type based on many similarities in how we approach the world and see things, so that’s gotta give some credence to it.  Also, I’ll say one other thing: I’m generally pretty insightful about myself, and I’ve had the same reaction to certain things I’ve come across in these profiles … ‘Nah, that’s nothing like me’, only to later realize that I wasn’t seeing myself so clearly and there actually is some truth to that thing I dismissed. Though its an online test, its based on the meyers briggs test which, although it doesnt then mean its still ultimately not bullshit, its a bit more than a party game i took the full myers briggs test years ago and the online test gave me the same result. I’m generally a skeptic about stuff, but ive found having these typologies of my personality type very helpful in understanding myself and how i relate to others. 
        The takeaway for me from these personality profiles was less ‘the test doesn’t know me’ than a realization that although I’m of course unique like we all are, there’s so much about the way i perceive the world and interact with others, and about what motivates me and how my creativity works that is common to other people with personality types like mine.  The fact that there are so few infps makes it easy to feel alienated and an outsider. Just being an  introvert in a very extraverted culture is significant enough, without the other aspects.
        Yeah, the whole ‘more’ person is a part of our personalities.   I’ve only ever had a couple of close friends, and would never have a bunch of friends in my life. There’s just too few people I’m capable of connection with that will be enough to overcome my tendency to not put enough effort into maintaining the friendship. 
        I may now be misunderstanding you, but i wasnt saying that garnering friends wouldn’t make you happy, just that i decided for me personally it wouldn’t and that of my many, many issues that keep me from a fulfilling life, the friend thing is not on the top of the list, so im devoting my energies to the things i think do top the list! I was only speaking about myself in that case. I figure of all the shit i ramble about you’ll take what’s useful, if anything.   And maybe something i say will lead you to examine something you never thought of.
        Yes, there’s a certain type of dialog that one can expect from someone like Richo and visitors to his site that can attract like minded people.   Just as i wouldn’t expect to make any interesting connections on a photo site that talks about the latest lenses, and megapixel this and that, ad nauseum and with great importance.   That shit doesn’t matter (beyond a cursory discussion) and is fucking boring.  Once again though, its all personality types ☺ It’s like when I’m around guys who are talking about cars and engines and shit. Really? People are interested in talking about car engines? 
        On another note entirely, though I’ve signed up to receive notifications on every post I’ve commented on, I’ve yet to ever receive a notification.   There’s an area where i can review the notifications I’ve opted in to, and the relevant posts are listed, but no emails.   Strange. 
        Wow, I’ve gone on and on again …ReplyCancel

        • JPHAugust 27th, 2016 - 4:50 pm

          Yeah, was not surprising to find that it says our personality type only accounts for like 4% of the population… finding it few and far between people that I would actually want to be friends with, that makes perfect sense.  Gee, that sounded ass-hole’ish!  I guess, better said as you did, and people that I find any compatibility with… and they’ve always been female, and very rarely male… have never really sought out or wanted male friends… think it was because I grew up in a family with three other brothers… if I ever had a need for “male bonding”, well then I was set right there, and didn’t need any other.

          I wasn’t misunderstanding you any, nor you me… 

          One of my favorite authors, is another Richard, Richard Bach, who is the first person in this life/world that I ever connected with, and felt like I was not alone… albeit through his writing.  But, he wrote that “like attracts like”… as in us all finding each other through Richard – like attracts like.

          As for the email notification thing, yes, I know exactly what you mean, as even I don’t even receive emails when you, or anybody comments like I am suppose to!  I think it was because I had selected Jetpack comments to be activated… I turned them off, and just now am letting WordPress’ own comments be, so will see if I, and you, actually now get email notified.

          With that too, I wasn’t even getting notified while in my WP admin, how at the top, it has the comment icon with a count next to it if one has any – that wasn’t even working either!  And only knew I got comments from you, is on the right hand of the screen when through WP.com would flash orange telling me I had activity… so I don’t know what the deal is.

          Also, I am glad that you knew what the radio button at the bottom was to subscribe to be notified of any new comment posts, as the text that describes it is pretty much unable to be seen!  I have searched near and far for the way to change the font color so that it is actually visible, but nowhere to be found.  It’s another Jetpack thing, so I think they are just dropping the ball on a lot of shit, causing all these things!ReplyCancel

    • richoSeptember 3rd, 2016 - 3:52 am

      Paul,I have received this link from you in past. I went there again and did that test. For me, the curiosity doesn’t lie very much on the result (though it is interesting to read), but I always more curious about the test itself.Last time bout 15 months ago I was Virtuoso (ISTP-T), now I did that test again, and the result is Logician (INTP-A). Frankly, I believe I just do not know who I am and can not answer the questions truthfully enough.ReplyCancel