August 25th, 2016
I’ve always been drawn to photograph lone trees… poking out of an otherwise featureless landscape, this lone sentinel tree, it’s dutiful watch to oversee it all.
Naturally, I see the kinship between I and the tree… this great big world, and then, out in the middle of nowhere of it all, there we just – are… just present, there, existing… doing our thing, growing. Just hoping for life passing by to catch sight of us out here, our existence be acknowledged. Knowing what we have to offer, us, in our singularity, to those who would care to stop by, the meager cover, shade and shelter we would provide, from the harshness of the surrounding environment. Doing so from our strength of being, despite where it is that we are…
Blah, blah, blah… My how we (or, I guess I should just say – I), do love to romanticize our existence, presence! 😄
Anyway, the point being to this, is something I clearly have recognized and felt on this little ol’ here journey o’ mine… though, of course, has long been noticed and known the entirety of my life here… just, has again been brought more to the forefront recently…
Just the simple fact that I am alone. And that I don’t want to be.
Recently, again realizing so, occurred at the Badlands, where I would be seeing the place with couples, young and old… those with a family… and here am I, alone. Just this guy there by himself. And who is getting around in this creeper van! 😳 Seriously, I really do feel awkward sometimes… I don’t know what it is about the van, but just some funny lookin’ older guy, traveling around in a van, even I have to admit is creepy! Like who is going to be the next abduction victim to this guy?!
Anyway… seeing all these people together, experiencing this together, and me doing so by myself, has just been a bit of a downer.
Like, last Summer, when I domestically accompanied my niece, as she took a trip to Italy, I travelled with her to New York, as it was her first time flying, traveling alone. It was a clear, distinct point in the trip, when she boarded her last flight across the pond to Italy, and the very next moment, it was like all the air was immediately taken out of my sails. Was now like, “okay… guess, I’ll just, like… go do stuff now…”
Until then, even though it was mostly just flying, it was this shared experience, someone there to share it with, to talk about with, because we both were doing it and involved with it together. Once she was now gone and on her way, just me, was then pretty much – yeah, so what’s the point? And the things I continued to do and see in New York, were okay and nice, but only like one percent of how great and nice it would have been to done so sharing it all with her… or somebody, anybody else.
So, this little journey thing that I am doing, yes, it’s a personal one, but what it has again thrown front and center to the forefront, is that I don’t want to go through all of this, this life, this journey – alone. I want to share it along with somebody, for us to experience and live it together. While at Bear’s Lodge (Devil’s Tower), same thing, seeing all these non-alone people there taking it in… Used to be, there was a long stretch in my life where I never not noticed couples, people together… but in recent years, seeing the writing on the wall, that it obviously just must not be in the cards for me… and since, really have been unnoticeable of such things. This trip has brought it all back again.
I am not at all playing little violins, and at all soliciting ohhhhs, and ahhhhs of sympathy, that is not me… I am just honestly matter of factly stating something that is a fact with me and my life, whether been from external circumstances, and/or choice, I have been alone for as long as I can remember… always been just me.
It’s a personal issue in which I struggle to overcome to this day, in how it is I am with other people, my personal interactions, how I involve, or don’t involve people in my life, because I am just not accustom to doing so… and naturally just think no one else wants to be involved with me, so I, on my part, don’t even think twice about doing things with others. And I feel sometimes that comes across as me being aloof, as if I am above them all, or others, which is funny, when it’s very much quite the opposite.
Before FINALLY embarking on this insanity, I spent a day or two with “friends”, and honestly, I didn’t know how to be, as they were making such a fuss over what I was doing, what they thought of me doing such a thing (actually positive), and as I told one of them, I honest to god just did not know how to act and respond, and would just stand or sit there with my head lowered not saying a thing, because of – what the fuck is all of this?! Cannot compute … error, error.
Well, for one thing, I have never liked being the center of attention, and/or having a big fuss made over… so, that was part of it… but the rest, was just not being used to people being so generous and kind to me. And the one I spoke of this to, simply said to me – “it’s called having friends.”
Yeah, I’ve never had too many of them. And those that I may have had, I’ll be honest, most likely lost on my part, from either it stemming from my being a fuckin’ gypsy nomad who is never in one place for any long period of time… actually I think that is a big part of it… And/or, again my just not accustomed to having them, other people in my life… I just naturally do things alone, by myself, and don’t even think to include others, and again, don’t think that any one else would want to include me (another big part) … again I know this sounds so oh-my-god-fuckin’-shut-up! pathetic… but, just a simple matter of how I naturally feel, do, think.
I have written of this before, whether it is currently up on this site, I care not to go investigate… but, despite what I have said, of having, as a matter of fact, been alone most of my life, even in my teens, one of the things that has been a life dream, goal of mine, was to be, and have a family.
In my late teens, I laid out my future thusly: In my twenties, I was going to do all the things that I wanted to do – travel, write, make movies, etc., “get that all out of my system” (that’s how I wrote it in my handwritten journals I used to keep at the time), so that come my thirties, I would settle down, and the rest of my life would revolve around being, having, raising a family. I have always been very paternalistic… no doubt, that being a matter of the apple not falling far from the tree with my father, and my maternalistic mother as well… where our desire to care, love, and be there for others, is such a strong part of our nature and who we are.
I say that, because, in this long round-about rambling-babbling way that I am doing here, gets back to what, and why it is, I am doing this insanity journey thing – to try and figure and find out what it is I am to be, do… and the whole seeing couples and families at this nation’s national parks, painfully knocking me up the side of the head with one of the things being – that I don’t want to be alone. To live my life alone. That I want someone in my life to share life with.
For as I continually am shown in life, it all isn’t as great and grand experiencing, as it would be, and is, when experiencing and sharing it all the while with someone else. That life is to be lived, but not lived alone.
Yeah. Okay. I’ll just go right out and fix that now! 😜 Hey, babe – I’m a poor, unemployed forty-somethin’ year old, with no idea what to do with himself, wandering the fuckin’ earth living out of a van… how you doin’? 😉
Yeah, if only! [Side note: I always thought that actresses delivery was just spot on perfect and hilarious! 😆👍🏼👌🏼]
Okay, so well anyway…