April 7th, 2017

It certainly doesn’t take a rocket scientist to piece together the correlation between my ups (periods of positive enlightened clarity) and downs (periods of negative, frustrating whiny-ass bitching), for they are clearly evident – Ups: When I have money … Downs: When I do not have money.  I just pieced that together this morning… and am sure I do not need to go back and read my entries in here, and also look at the date that they were written, to prove my theory, and that it is, without a shadow of a doubt, the case.

Here in week 32 of this here journey o’ mine, even though, I have become a lot more mellow and take things a lot more in stride, in those down periods… say as opposed to me way clear the fuck back in week three when I first went off on a tirade… I still find that the down periods still do lead me to be negative and pessimistic of me, things, my life.

I guess that’s only natural and understandable though.  For when my pockets are full of disposable income, I am lighter, free of worry, concern of tomorrow, and more enjoy the moment and now of wherever it is I am at.  It’s when the only thing in my pocket is lint, my food supply is low, or gone as it is now, and I am doing the now norm of not eating at all, that yeah, my disposition seems to be a wee bit darker in nature, when everything is all then revolved around basic, physical survival kind of stuff.

It looks, with more certainty this time, that I will finally sell my bloody studio / light kit setup tomorrow.  Tomorrow, I will have also tied my Slab fasting record of having gone six days in a row without consuming anything besides honey and water.   And, this strikes me both curious and unnerving at the same time, but honest to goodness, the past five days of not eating anything (again), have been cake (mmm, cake)!  It’s like I have just become all acclimated and used to not eating for days at a time now, that I honestly do not break a sweat now.

Curious in that, apparently my body has just adjusted to getting by without having any sustenance provided to it to function… as well as my state of mind and being, not even thinking twice about it now, really.  And that latter part there, is what it is I find a little unnerving… how I just now am nonchalant about starving my freakin’ self… and that meaning, that my doing so in the future, will possibly be a continual thing.

Because, don’t get me wrong – my last fasting spree of three days back in Sacramento, I had hoped would be my last of ever having to do in my life… it brought my lifetime total of days of having done so (that I have consciously kept track of, that is), to sixty-nine days… a nice number, the year I was born – good number to call it an end of going without eating days.  Yeah, well, tomorrow (hopefully!) the count will now be seventy-five.

Again, I am not saying this to be all grandiose about it, like going without food is some way a totally cool thing to have achieved in the first place – “ooh, wow, yay, way to go, Jeff… you’re sure -… [thumbs up]”… just sharing my personal observation of it all.

I remember back in The Slabs for that first six day stint, I just remember my being all the more focused upon it all… maybe because it was the first I have ever done so, aside from the days of my youth and vigor… the three days in Sac, I found to be cake (mmm, cake!), but, I attributed that to it having just been three days… after having done six in a row, doing half that isn’t nearly as an ordeal, I guess.  But, this six day stint, it’s like I haven’t even been as hungry as those other times… it’s just really been a piece of cake (mmm, caaake!).

That is still one thing that is a constant though, and I just find it really more humorous and interesting – the almost constant thinking of food.  It is really rather funny, how I, without really consciously recognizing that I am, and then do notice that I am – just think about food.  Consuming food, literally the act of eating, like it’s a daydream, my mind just seriously just goes through the motions of just the function of eating food, drawing it to my mouth, chewing and eating it… I really do find it funny that it does that.

Anyway… I know my mother would be having a fit if she saw me now, with how much weight I have lost, how thin I am… and am hoping between now and a month from now, when I plan to resurface back there, I will have put back on at least a couple pounds… I really think I am lighter now than I have been since high school.  I really want to do a updated photo to put aside my This Life’s Journey photo taken before I left, where I am almost portly!  Well, compared to how I have been my entire life, that period before I left, was the heaviest I have ever been in my life, by a good ten pounds!  And now I am almost certain, that I got to be thirty pounds less than that departure weight now.

Not that it matters at all, it’s weight, just as easily as it can be taken off, it can be put back on… well, if food is available.

Which leads me to thinking what it is I am going to do after a month’s time.  Last entry, I, full of piss and vinegar, stated that, damn straight! I am continuing this here journey o’ mine thing!  Don’t have the slightest idea as to how that will be able to be done… but, by golly!

Even after selling the light / studio kit tomorrow, that is really only going to help for like a week or two, then will find myself right back to where I am now.  As I mentioned, I have also decided to throw under the bus, my 24mm lens, and solar battery power kit setup… the 24mm being because it really is the less used of my now remaining three lenses (after having sold my 300mm in Sac, and my iPad Mini before that), so really wouldn’t be too terrible a loss… I really only got it to do my starry night photos…  but, then was thinking in my bold proclamation that the journey will continue on, and my also looking to sell my solar power supply… well, Jeffrey, what are you going to have to use to keep your little doodads all powered up then?

As I wrote last, selling the solar power kit, would put me right over the top in being able to afford the remaining month until I am back home, that’s why I am willing to sell it, as it is the next “big ticket” item that I still have, that is worth the most, followed by my camera, and laptop here, and which are the untouchable items.  Once home, in light of my saying I was going to carry forth in this little journey venture, I was going to then sell my Epson photo printer, my NEC photo calibrated monitor, and seriously pretty much what I very originally planned I was going to do prior to embarking on this thrill ride journey o’ mine – getting rid of/selling everything besides what I could carry on my back (oh, yeah, and Burgey will be going too), and if I do continue, and up and leave again, it will this time be on foot, with just camera, laptop, a couple change of clothes… let’s just say a FRACTION of what all I have with me now!  Doing so to be able to afford to carry on, for however long those remaining possessions will provide me to be able to, and to do so more lightly.

And to get to the title of this here journal entry, I am just all the fuck over the place with what it all…  been saying since being on “part three” here, that I was going to be drawing it all to an end, and succumbing to having to find some average joe schmo job and getting back to the creature comforts of living the life… then, last entry’s steadfastness, brought on by the euphoric high of Richard’s (Bach) writings, as well as his corresponding with me (I still have not replied back to that second email he sent to me… I just can’t and don’t know how to) leading me to be all – “hell no! I am continuing on!”  To, even though I said it really has been cake (mmm, caaake!) this fasting spell, I still do not look forward to having to continue doing so perpetually in the future!

And I am sure my body would concur!  One little spell of having to not eat, okay the body will step up and take the punishment, after which, back to normal eating, it will correct itself and be all good and back to normal… adding though more stints of not eating, possibly then compounding things, and little by little, or probably more and more, and with more haste, it affecting my body in a more adverse, irreversible way too.

Yeah, I don’t know what the fuck I am doing, or going to do.  I don’t want to continue this type of existence either.  Plus, it also is what leads to my frustration with other things… like those periods of frustration, where I feel I am accomplishing nothing, gaining nada, progressing zilch… well, I find that I do that a lot more in times like this too, when I tend to purposefully NOT think about things, because of my being preoccupied with the fact that, you know, I have no food, I am not eating, when is it I will be able to eat again?  When basic day to day survival is at the forefront, everything else just gets pushed aside and put on the back burner (mmm, back burner, where things are put on to cook and simmer, ahhh! [drool, drool]) <- See what I mean!  All my thoughts, no matter what it is I am thinking about, food just creeps into it!

So, I got to figure out and think of something.  And hopefully, after tomorrow, with the means again had to purchase food, in which to consume, my thoughts can get back to, and remain upon, the case at hand of what it is to do with me.

Okay, I am gonna wrap this up, because seriously, dead serious – my mind is still on the back burner thought, and having like a good pasta sauce simmering, the imaginary smell of it watering my mouth, the sensation of seeing it being ladled over some penne pasta, feeling it’s warm texture in my mouth… mmmmmm, foood!  Consuming foooood!!!

So, yeah, am all over the place from one day, hour, minute to the next with things… keeps things interesting that’s for sure!

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