As my time here in Casper wonderfully draws ever nearer to being done, and closer to getting back to me and my life, have noticed that more of the real me is being awakened from it’s slumber that it was put in from being hobbled here. Or rather, how I have let my surroundings make me be lesser than I am.
How seemingly easy it is for me to slip into just being negative, and just see the current reality around me as just something I have to put up with and endure, instead of something to actually grow and learn from, to better myself from.
If this here journey o’ mine is a means for me to honestly reflect upon me, my life, how to better me, and it, then perhaps I should look at those things that are not of liking to me in it.
I have said multiple times during my hiatus here in Casper, that all I am doing in this journey, is nothing other than what I have been doing my entire life – doing something that I do not want to do, in a place I do not want to be in… except now, I am doing so whilst being homeless and living out of a van.
And have been seeing this Casper spell as just a temporary necessity in order for me to carry on, and until then, to just grit my teeth and bear it. You, know, much as I have done throughout my entire adult life, of my doing the exact similar thing over and over… being miserable and unhappy in my current situation, but just holding on that at some point and time, it’ll all change and be better… until then, suck it up.
More than once, I also pretty much have had nothing positive to say about this town, nor the place I just happened onto to pick up work with, to further finance my journey… and as I tweeted last night, I am not fond of myself when I become negative. I don’t like to be negative… and usually when I feel that I am starting to slip into being so, from something or another, that is an indicator that I need to start rethinking my situation and change it. Which, in my case, almost always results in me up and leaving and going elsewhere, to hopefully greener pastures.
I got to thinking last night though – what if I, and my life, perpetually seeming to be in these situations of being, doing that which I do not want to do, with those I do not want to do it for, in a place where I do not want to be, are all repeated lessons given to me, that I just keep bailing out of before learning from them?
Like say, for example, in just simple terms, instead of allowing myself to become negative and sour over things, I have myself not become so? To become a better person and not let these external negative circumstances make me be so too. Maybe I have, or used to at some point, but after years and years of continually doing so, the energy to continue doing so just waned, making it harder for me to keep my chin up, and keep a brighter perspective, because of it all seeming to be this endless cycle of me constantly and apparently doing so, over and over, and over, and over…
Is this perpetual cycle of mine only so, because I keep failing in obtaining the lesson to be learned? And when I finally do, and find the secret to putting up with mundanity, I will finally attain that contentment, peace that I have been searching for?
I don’t know. But, I don’t think so. Because it just sounds like a way for me to succumb and settle to that around me… and I ain’t about to do that. But, do think that I do need an attitude adjustment when I am in such circumstances, and instead of just negatively picking apart all of that which is lacking in it all, and not good and positive about it, perhaps shutting that asshole part of me up, and seeing what good is perhaps in it…
I don’t know. All I do know, is that I don’t like who I become, when I just get so negative and sour about the things around me, I don’t like to be negative, always thinking, and speaking ill of things, and honestly, in the past few years, I have really let myself go, and without out a fight at all, fall into doing so. So, do got to change that, and not allow myself to do so. I am better, and more than that, and need to stop allowing myself to be less than who it is that I truly am. Just been a long road… but, is still no excuse… again, the point of this entry, maybe it all has been a lesson that you keep failing, and so keep repeating…
Just doing what I can… and this is just something that I realized that I need to focus and work on. Then again, hopefully after seven glorious and wonderful days from now, next week when I will be off and gone from here and it all, this will be the last that I put myself in this kind of situation, and in my continued journey, I will achieve that which I set out on it for – figure out my meaning and purpose, and will find that in which I can happily engage in it, and follow it, and my life will be not me having to square with external things of my disliking, but in that which I do like and am creating and doing myself.
One can only hope. Until then, just a little recently noticed thing about me and myself, that I do need to work on and be better at. Sometimes it’s just little things… but, little things are important things too… as compounded, they add to becoming bigger things… both in a good way, as well as bad… and when they are not good things, best to nip them when they’re little things before they become bigger bad things to conquer and face.
Okay, enough rambling and babbling for today. It’s good though to be back to getting back to me and my life… maybe I shouldn’t abandon me and my life in the first place just because of whatever…
Lessons to learn.
Here’s hoping you well in your personal, life lessons and studies. All the best to you.