October 2016

As my time here in Casper wonderfully draws ever nearer to being done, and closer to getting back to me and my life, have noticed that more of the real me is being awakened from it’s slumber that it was put in from being hobbled here.  Or rather, how I have let my surroundings make me be lesser than I am.

How seemingly easy it is for me to slip into just being negative, and just see the current reality around me as just something I have to put up with and endure, instead of something to actually grow and learn from, to better myself from.

If this here journey o’ mine is a means for me to honestly reflect upon me, my life, how to better me, and it, then perhaps I should look at those things that are not of liking to me in it.

I have said multiple times during my hiatus here in Casper, that all I am doing in this journey, is nothing other than what I have been doing my entire life – doing something that I do not want to do, in a place I do not want to be in… except now, I am doing so whilst being homeless and living out of a van.

And have been seeing this Casper spell as just a temporary necessity in order for me to carry on, and until then, to just grit my teeth and bear it.  You, know, much as I have done throughout my entire adult life, of my doing the exact similar thing over and over… being miserable and unhappy in my current situation, but just holding on that at some point and time, it’ll all change and be better… until then, suck it up.

More than once, I also pretty much have had nothing positive to say about this town, nor the place I just happened onto to pick up work with, to further finance my journey… and as I tweeted last night, I am not fond of myself when I become negative.  I don’t like to be negative… and usually when I feel that I am starting to slip into being so, from something or another, that is an indicator that I need to start rethinking my situation and change it.  Which, in my case, almost always results in me up and leaving and going elsewhere, to hopefully greener pastures.

I got to thinking last night though – what if I, and my life, perpetually seeming to be in these situations of being, doing that which I do not want to do, with those I do not want to do it for, in a place where I do not want to be, are all repeated lessons given to me, that I just keep bailing out of before learning from them?

Like say, for example, in just simple terms, instead of allowing myself to become negative and sour over things, I have myself not become so?  To become a better person and not let these external negative circumstances make me be so too.  Maybe I have, or used to at some point, but after years and years of continually doing so, the energy to continue doing so just waned, making it harder for me to keep my chin up, and keep a brighter perspective, because of it all seeming to be this endless cycle of me constantly and apparently doing so, over and over, and over, and over…

Is this perpetual cycle of mine only so, because I keep failing in obtaining the lesson to be learned?  And when I finally do, and find the secret to putting up with mundanity, I will finally attain that contentment, peace that I have been searching for?

I don’t know.  But, I don’t think so.  Because it just sounds like a way for me to succumb and settle to that around me… and I ain’t about to do that.  But, do think that I do need an attitude adjustment when I am in such circumstances, and instead of just negatively picking apart all of that which is lacking in it all, and not good and positive about it, perhaps shutting that asshole part of me up, and seeing what good is perhaps in it…

I don’t know.  All I do know, is that I don’t like who I become, when I just get so negative and sour about the things around me, I don’t like to be negative, always thinking, and speaking ill of things, and honestly, in the past few years, I have really let myself go, and without out a fight at all, fall into doing so.  So, do got to change that, and not allow myself to do so.  I am better, and more than that, and need to stop allowing myself to be less than who it is that I truly am.  Just been a long road… but, is still no excuse… again, the point of this entry, maybe it all has been a lesson that you keep failing, and so keep repeating…

Just doing what I can… and this is just something that I realized that I need to focus and work on.  Then again, hopefully after seven glorious and wonderful days from now, next week when I will be off and gone from here and it all, this will be the last that I put myself in this kind of situation, and in my continued journey, I will achieve that which I set out on it for – figure out my meaning and purpose, and will find that in which I can happily engage in it, and follow it, and my life will be not me having to square with external things of my disliking, but in that which I do like and am creating and doing myself.

One can only hope.  Until then, just a little recently noticed thing about me and myself, that I do need to work on and be better at.  Sometimes it’s just little things… but, little things are important things too… as compounded, they add to becoming bigger things… both in a good way, as well as bad… and when they are not good things, best to nip them when they’re little things before they become bigger bad things to conquer and face.

Okay, enough rambling and babbling for today.  It’s good though to be back to getting back to me and my life… maybe I shouldn’t abandon me and my life in the first place just because of whatever…

Lessons to learn.

Here’s hoping you well in your personal, life lessons and studies.  All the best to you.

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  • PaulOctober 27th, 2016 - 10:13 am

    Ah, I can relate to so much of this as usual.  The quiet gritting of ones teeth and just enduring, as though there is some prize at the end if I just persist and deny my true self, whatever that is.  Just shut those voices up and learn to get along.  But the years pass and it’s all just the same, only my hair is starting to grey, and suddenly I started realizing, ‘Maybe I need to make things happen?’.  
    You have begun to make things happen, but for practical monetary reasons, and frankly, just because of habit (and maybe a bit of fear?), you’re still ending up in some of the same patterns that you’ve always been in.  I’m guessing this is probably to be expected, and it will take some practice and recalibrating to get out of those patterns.  I’m talking about the bullshit jobs specifically for you, but probably also the negativity that you talk about (which I can relate to completely).
    I’ve wondered if maybe my negativity is a defense, or, less generously, just another in a string of self-deceptions and excuses, to keep from mustering the courage to do what I want to do.  There will always be plenty of negative to dwell on and mull over, I think maybe we need to carve our paths with our eyes, as much as possible, fixed on the positives.
    I also relate to your sentiment of considering a truce with the mundane, so you can maybe begin to attain some peace in your life, and then immediately that rebellious voice chimes in, “I will not deal with the enemy!”  I know that voice well, the all or nothing.  My thinking these days is that I have to eke out whatever happiness and satisfaction I can, because time is running short.  If that means compromising with the shittiness, so be it.  Try to use the negatives to make positives.  There is no day without night.  Try to let the crappy aspects of your life drive you in the aspects that are all yours, and that you control completely.   But, of course, that pre-supposes that one has some aspects of their life that they control.  These are the things I’m thinking about these days. 
    I’ve worked hard for the last 10 years with the notion, which has become clearer and more defined over those years, that I needed to achieve some freedom from the demands of others (the money-jobs, chiefly). So I could devote more of my energy and life to things that nourish me, change my life so that I have the time and money to do that).  The thing is, this all or nothing way of thinking for me results in me just gritting my teeth for 10 years, working hard and hating it, but not putting much serious effort into any other areas of my life while doing so, at least not much effort that I can maintain for very long.  As though I’m using my suffering and unhappiness in one part of my life as an excuse not to do the things I need to do for myself in the other.  I don’t know if this makes sense, I have a lot of thoughts going on about this, but they aren’t coming out clearly and I don’t have the time to clean this up and make it progress more logically. I wrote about some aspects of this on my site where you’ve commented recently.
    Anyway, if anything in this makes sense, hopefully you can find something useful to think about or react to.
    My main ideas are that I try not to think of it as settling if I give in to the mundane things in life over which, not being a member of the aristocracy,  I have no control.  I must try to use these things I dislike to drive me and motivate me in the things I like.  This takes conscious effort because, my second point is that I’ve formed a lot of habits, ways of living and thinking, that did not serve me well and undermined me. I’ve learned to get along by denying myself so that my natural reaction is to suppress my creative and intuitive nature.  So while there is a lot of effort up front in totally changing my way of approaching my own life, and mastering the neuroses, the hope is that with practice, this will become as second nature as the negativity and the teeth gritting and self denial was/is in the first half of my life. 
    I hope.ReplyCancel

    • JPHOctober 27th, 2016 - 4:48 pm

      I like your comments, Paul, because you actually participate in a conversation and discussion… thank you for that!

      “You have begun to make things happen, but for practical monetary reasons, and frankly, just because of habit (and maybe a bit of fear?), you’re still ending up in some of the same patterns that you’ve always been in.”

      Yeah, no – it’s always for “practical monetary reasons”, which, in my opinion, is never worth it, because I despise money so, but…

      “I’m guessing this is probably to be expected, and it will take some practice and recalibrating to get out of those patterns.”

      Why the drastic move that I have made with this journey.

      I also relate to your sentiment of considering a truce with the mundane, so you can maybe begin to attain some peace in your life, and then immediately that rebellious voice chimes in, “I will not deal with the enemy!” I know that voice well, the all or nothing. My thinking these days is that I have to eke out whatever happiness and satisfaction I can, because time is running short. If that means compromising with the shittiness, so be it.

      I have to differ with you there, perhaps… For, as long as memory in this life, as I have written, I have been cursed with seeing this current life, as merely an illusion, not Life, but just a current state. I wrote of it analogically long ago as this:

      That Life, is a journey, and just like a road trip that one would take, say we pull off at a stop, a city, for whatever reason that it is that we do. Yet, while we are there in that city, the city has it’s own set of rules that it says all people in the city must abide to, do, follow, and live by while there. Well, I am not a resident of the city, I am just passing through in Life, the city is just a stop… and I am not going to just give up who I am to just do, and go by, whatever rules this stop, this city, I am just currently in, because it just says so. I am me. I am living Life. And if the life in that current city, is not of Life, than respectfully, I just decline and am not going to sacrifice who I am just to appease whatever mores a particular spot, place has decided is, and that should be lived by.

      That is how I see Life, and this current life… this whole now that we are choosing to recognize and accept as “reality” in the current, is just a life/city/stop in Life, that we, for whatever personal reason that we did, chose to accept and call “life” for the now. And have debated with myself, in my also analogically comparing this current life as game, like football, which like every game, has it’s own set of rules… rules of which I knew the game had, but after coming here, suiting up, stepping out onto the field, somehow did not agree with the rules and how it’s played, and have been playing by my won rules ever since… and why have I been doing that?!

      Argh! I can’t complete my reply now, as I have to get to the money-job! So, will try to pick up on this later, Paul

      ***Continuing***

      I don’t know. Maybe as you wrote of your negativity, that whole way of thinking of mine, just being a long stemming string of self-deception… a long ago coping mechanism, escaping into this Utopian/idyllic Life that was created in my mind to survive… and just have continued to hold onto it, as the alternative being the ugly reality of this life… you know, just like every religion created by man… this is my own personal religion… to give some faithful semblance of hope that there is something better awaiting…

      No. I don’t agree with that. This life/world can be cold and cruel, but not that cold and cruel…

      You see, that is me too – I don’t think of things that are just right in front of my face, I have always been big picture – existence, Life, meaning of it all… and my just trying to figure out not so much what it is, because I think philosophers of old, have gone about it all wrong, in trying to find THE Meaning of Life, in the singular form, as one meaning as a definition for all, and that is where they failed, or, not really failed, I guess, but clouded their scope… because how can there be ONE defining meaning for all of Life? There is no one, singular meaning of Life, but rather seven plus billion (currently, and that is only counting human) meanings of Life, and that we all have our own meaning and purpose… and that is what I have been trying to figure out – what my meaning and purpose was for coming here… my place in the illusion of this all.

      And even bigger than that… because, to follow along in that vein of thought that I follow: is the who, what, and where is it that we, as the true souls that we are, – are? Come from? And put in that linear progressional thought of man, of bettering ourselves, to achieve enlightenment, perfection, whatever, in my mind, we all are already perfect beings, we all are “god”… yet, we choose to come to this limited reality, in this limited form, … – ? Why? Why would we do that? Is perfection boring? So much so, that we create these illusional realities to go play in? And if perfection is boring, mundane, stagnant, why would one want to achieve perfection? When things are all as perfect as they can be, where is the excitement and joy of living, without any variance in anything? It’s all perfect! Everything is known, everything is able to be achieved, attained, had! Is our creating, doing, visiting these illusional lifes, existences, “realities”, us acting out of like boredom? Boredom of perfection? Boredom of being perfect?

      I don’t know. It all makes no sense to me, as much as my place here in this life/world doesn’t… and that is all on top of the illusional distractions, stresses of this life/world, like stupid damn pathetic money-jobs, and the endless other etcetera, etcetera etceteras and blah, blah, blah, blahs…

      I really am looking forward to headlong diving back into my journey, and this time, secluding myself down in the southwest somewhere, and just trying to see, in that period of constant, uninterrupted devotion to it, can discover/remember a sliver of a crack into it all.

      I really am curious as to why I am… why I am here…

      So, don’t know, Paul… I think it has to be “all or nothing”, and you, like I have, even when we say we’ve gone in all or nothing, we really haven’t… for some reason, funny, a thing the J man (Jesus) said, in that, a man cannot have two masters (at least I think, I don’t know, it’s been many years since my Catholic upbringing and my following what the “good book” said)… but, I think we both have been trying, and trying to figure out how to do this bi-living kind of thing – both for ourselves, but also for, and in this life… trying to figure out that balance of how to be true to ourselves in this this life/world. And the answer/reason that pops into my head after typing that is – we can’t. Because we are two different and separate things. A house divided amongst itself cannot stand, kind of thing, we cannot be true to two different things… and to thine own selves can we be true…

      I really don’t know, because that doesn’t seem right to me either… even though, for also as long as I can remember, I have always been cut and dry, black and white, yes or no, either or… there has got to be a meaning and reason to it all… and maybe that lies in the middle, grey… I am laughing right now, because maybe that is why I am into photography! Wouldn’t that be funny! If I left, placed a clue right in front of my face for two-thirds of my life, that I literally use each and every time a take a photo – a grey card to expose off of, and that the answer is to stop seeing things in black and white, but in the shades of grey in between!

      Oh, yes! My trains in my brain are beginning to run again on all tracks! Hopping and jumping from track to track… yep, my journey is once again afoot! Here is to discovering and learning!!!ReplyCancel